I was recently sharing time with Nikki Naab-Levy on her IG live about responsible fitness marketing and the conversation was so fascinating, I asked her to come back onto this show so we could compare thoughts on how we approach marketing in our particular stratospheres in the industry. Nikki has been on fire lately with her own content and I highly recommend you keep an eye on her on social media. Also, please reference our 3 previous episodes together (#147, #164 and #251). Download, subscribe, share with your friends and please take a moment to leave us an Apple Podcasts review.
A couple of months ago, I had a sensitive conversation with a client (let’s call her Judy) which was hard to forget. Judy had been approached by someone close to her who insinuated that maybe she wasn’t taking her weight loss very seriously due to a plateau in results.
I take a lot of issue with statements like this.
For one, as the coach, I don’t strong arm my clients into better results. Some clients want more frequent touch points to stay on track and some need breathing room to try and sort things out on their own after initial guidance. These positions aren’t static, they’re flexible. A client can shift on either end of that spectrum depending on life stressors and their current priorities. So, as life ebbs and flows, scale weight may do the same. My clients don’t lose weight on my time schedule, they do so on theirs.
However, Judy was upset about being approached in this way and, to be honest, it got me sort of riled up too.
To that point, I pushed back and said: “Well, we have a new goal now. When you’re ready to focus on weight loss again, we do it to send a nice, big “f*ck you” to anyone who thinks you can’t succeed.”
Let’s come back to that.
I don’t know about you, but I grew up with a family who was tremendously supportive of me. They may not have agreed with every move I made but I had guidance, I had support and I had love every step of the way. I know many others who did not grow up with the same foundation that I did. For that, I am immensely grateful.
However, my biggest critic, the most negative voice in my life, was my own. That was/is the voice that screamed: “You can’t, you won’t, you don’t deserve it, you can’t succeed at it, etc.”
Maybe your current lack of results is because you spend too much time listening to the voice that I listened to.
Or, maybe you’re like Judy and some part of your intimate circle of friends/family is the voice that keeps you from moving forward.
Either way, the advice is the same.
Most of my clients (and most of my readers) know the answer to their weight loss struggles. They know about calories, they probably know about macronutrients, and they’ve likely taken a ride on more than a handful of dietary rodeos.
So, it’s not a lack of information, it’s a lack of faith. Faith in staying consistent to the plan and faith in themselves that they can get the job done.
When Judy and I came up with a game plan to get weight loss moving again, I had a hashtag for her that was only somewhat in jest: #operationmiddlefinger
Whoever you are, wherever you are, there’s probably someone (or even yourself) who needs to be put in their place. You don’t have to confront these people and you don’t have to fight them, you just have to prove them wrong.
I’ve personally found that some of my own successes came when I had something of a chip on my shoulder.
I know this crosses into territories that are more extrinsic motivation rather than intrinsic motivation. Depending on who you are and what you’re struggling with, you may need more of one than another to get things moving in the direction you initially desired.
Ever since that conversation, Judy has been steadily moving the needle back the direction she wants it to go. She sends me sporadic updates about the food choices she’s making, she’s sticking post-it notes in places (pantry, dashboard and fridge) that serve as reminders that she has a goal she’s focusing on and she’s rallying the troops who she knows she can count on to keep her more aligned with her goals as opposed to the polar opposite.
Operation: Middle Finger isn’t about perfect lives, perfect people or perfect diets. It’s about lighting a fire up under your ass when things get weird (because they do) and putting the pieces back in place.
Shout out to Judy for making the “operation” work.
Darko Botic, of Macros Inc, returns to the show after a great chat back in February of 2018 (Episode #104). In this week’s episode, we talk about what the last two years have been like for him. His coaching has evolved since we last spoke and we touch on if he feels his own weight loss journey of losing 200 pounds gives him an inherent advantage over other coaches, the notion of addictive and triggering foods in the diet and how we’ve been helping clients navigate the ever changing madness of 2020. Download, subscribe, share with your friends and please take a moment to leave us a review on Apple Podcasts.
Recently, I posted the weight loss success of three of our clients: Faith, Don and Cherie. While I’m not always as consistent with this visual/physical reminder, it’s cool to see the client hold up a 35 pound or 45 pound plate to show off the number and actually feel what used to be on their frame.
Because everyone loses weight at a different pace and everyone is inspired and motivated by different things, I asked all three clients 4 specific questions to get their take on what that’s been like.
Of course, my ultimate goal is to get all three of them on the podcast (and in Don’s case, to be joined by his wife, Amy who is also a client) so we can dig deeper and find out more about the process for each of them.
Aside from some very minor typos to fix, I kept all responses just as they were sent to me. I wanted everything unedited and to faithfully represent their personalities.
If you want to get some more insight on what’s helping these three succeed, you can start here.
Faith G. (down 45 pounds to date)
1. What was your original motivation to lose weight?
I always have had body image issues and have been pretty much always trying to lose weight, but I guess my original motivation to get really serious about losing weight and getting a personal trainer was due to my consistent failures to lose weight on my own. Additionally, I started to notice daily activities were getting harder for me, which made me realize if I don’t do something now, then I could possibly develop some health problems in the future.
I called you the day after Thanksgiving last year. I had taken a lot of pictures and saw a lot of people I hadn’t seen in awhile that week. I couldn’t even recognize myself in pictures anymore and was just embarrassed to see anyone I knew at that point. I could feel their judgement and disappointment. I hated how I felt. I knew that the hardest month of the year (December) was coming up and knew I would gain even more weight if I didn’t do something different.
2. Do you remember what the catalyst was after you started that made you feel confident you could reach your goal?
During the month of December, I lost 8 pounds. I knew if I could lose weight at pretty much the hardest time of the year to lose weight, I would be able to continue what I was doing. The best part about December looking back is I was still able to enjoy myself. I definitely was able to enjoy some sweets and also drink. I didn’t feel like I really missed out on anything, I just had to plan better.
3. What was the best advice I gave you?
When I came in for my initial consultation, you asked me to describe my eating habits and what I typically would eat every day. And even though what I was eating everyday was complete garbage, you didn’t judge me at all, which I really appreciate.
You asked me what my “must haves” were, which I was really shocked that you asked that. I love to drink Coke, so that was a must have. You were able to show me how I could work my must haves into my diet. Of course, the overall goal is to eat healthier foods, but iIthink you understood that most people aren’t able to just cut a bunch of food/drinks out of their diets at once. So in conclusion the best advice that you gave me was essentially the hashtag you always use, #itsnotmagicitsjustcalories
4. Is there any advice you would give to someone who is also trying to lose weight?
If there are foods/drinks you really love and must have, don’t feel like you have to cut them completely out. Labeling foods as “good” or “bad” and avoiding those “bad” foods when trying to lose weight is only going to make you miserable and want those foods more. Of course you can’t always eat whatever you want, but you can work certain things you want into your calories for the day/week.
I also think focusing more on what your body can do vs what the number on the scale is will keep you more motivated to continue trying to lose weight and developing healthier habits. I may not have lost any weight on a given week, but I may have gotten a new PR on squat, which is pretty fucking lit to me.
Don M. (down 45 pounds in the picture and 48 pounds to date)
1.) What was your original motivation to lose weight?
The motivation was my kids. I want to be around for them. I want to be able to throw the ball around with them and play on the floor and all the cool dad things. Things I never got with my dad. And of course, I was absolutely sick and tired of feeling like total hell all the time. Which I did. Everything hurt from my hair to my toenails. I still hurt, just in less painful ways.
2.) Do you remember what the catalyst was after you started that made you feel confident you could reach your goal?
I didn’t really set a goal for myself. It felt too ‘final’. I believe I said to you ‘if I lost 100 pounds, I’d still be a fat guy.’ So, the catalyst is different for me. 100 pounds seems like a good starting point, but let’s see what lies beyond that 100. If I can do that, I can do anything fucking thing I want.
3.) What was the best advice I gave you?
The thing that stuck out the most was the diet triangle, where we looked at what a typical day looked like for me. Zero breakfast, a little lunch, and HOLY SHIT YOU ATE ALL THAT FOR DINNER??? What hit home was taking the triangle shape that you eat and balancing it out. Make it parallel all day. The icing on the cake was the phrase ‘get comfortable being uncomfortable’. Once I figured that statement out, I knew how to work it.
4.) Is there any advice you would give to someone who is also trying to lose weight?
Advice? Me? Hahaha… seriously, I hate doing cardio. I hurt too damn bad for treadmills and elliptical. So if I didn’t have to do it, I didn’t want to. So I stuck with the diet plan- if that’s what you call it- less calories. I tried like hell the first week to stay around 1200 calories a day. Don’t know where that number came from. Just did it to ‘get comfortable with being uncomfortable.’ After that first week, it was easy. I found things I could eat that were less calories than the pizza and the pasta and the double cheeseburgers I was eating. Do I still want that stuff? Hell yes. Do I eat it? Hell yes! Just a lot less of it because I don’t want to erase the progress that I worked so hard for.
Cherie (down 35 pounds in the picture and 38 pounds to date)
1.) What was your original motivation to lose weight?
So August of 2016, my husband decides he wants to start planning my 40th birthday trip to Mexico in March 2017. I was excited but dreading it at the same time. I was tired of being heavy. People said I wasn’t heavy, but in my mind I knew I looked heavy. I had put 54 pounds on in 9 years. Mexico! My 40th! Time to celebrate! But I wasn’t excited for a bathing suit and pictures. I wanted to look beautiful, feel confident, not only for myself but for my husband, also be a role model to my young children who were athletes. So, one day this cool dude moves his gym into the plaza right next to my work. I saw he and his clients quite often in passing, saw what he was doing, and a girlfriend and her husband starting working out with him and singing his praises. I thought, he can help me! Once I went to talk to Jason Leenaarts, he became an instant friend and confidant, to me, my husband and then mother. Jason, you were a huge motivation/support for me!
2.) Do you remember what the catalyst was after you started that made you feel confident you could reach your goal?
There were a few things: A) interval training: I loved the 1 set reps, 30 sec cardio, rinse and repeat. B) because of the interval training I worked up a major sweat! That made me feel good about myself, accomplished C) you! You held me accountable for my actions. You were expecting me to be there when I said I would be and weighing in weekly. I didn’t want to disappoint you or myself.
3.) What was the best advice I gave you?
I hate cliches, they are the worst. You never said this exact quote to me, but in essence you referred to the fact, “slow and steady wins the race”! From the very beginning of me working with you, you explained that fast weight loss isn’t always the healthiest or most sustainable. Losing slowly, I was more apt to keep it off in the long run.
But it wasn’t only your advice you gave me, it was you encouragement, belief in me, and most importantly, your friendship… to not only me, but my family.
4.) Is there any advice you would give to someone who is also trying to lose weight?
I’m no expert in exercise and weight loss, heck, I even lack motivation most of the time! But my advice is to find a workout buddy! Someone to meet you there, hold you accountable, you can talk water consumption and calories with! You can bitch about your trainer together jk! I’ve had a few over the course of my 4 years and that’s what keeps me going, keeps me motivated, again holds me accountable. I’m a mother of 2 teenagers that are extremely busy, do I want to just want to give in some days and be lazy, yes I do, and sometimes I do! But more often that not, my friends are there waiting for me, so I go do my thing!
My sincerest thanks to Faith, Don and Cherie who have not only carved out their own individual paths to weight loss but knowingly and unknowingly inspire others as well. Thank you all for being an integral part of the RevFit family.
It’s been a while since I’ve done a cross-promoted show but this week I wanted to feature my friend and client, Shon Christy, as he premieres his entry into the podcast world. Some may remember that Shon was my first “official” guest on this show and he was also featured in my most recent book “A Revolution A Day”. Shon is a local mover-and-shaker in the social media world and we dive into a lot of what makes RevFit tick: from our community to the social media posts, content creation and more. I do hope you’ll subscribe to his podcast to learn more about the great work he does. As for us, I hope you’ll download, subscribe, share with your friends and please take a moment to leave us an Apple review.
I said those words to my therapist a few months ago and I’ve been repeating it to some of my weight loss clients as well.
It’s a difficult thing, our individual responses to stress and how we allow it to dictate what we do in our lives, our relationships, with our diets and how we treat our bodies.
Once upon a time, my only response to stress and emotional turmoil was to turn to drugs. There was rarely a shortage of them and rather than find a way UP from my rock bottom, I’d grab a shovel and keep digging (more stress = more drugs to cope with stress).
Think about that with weight loss.
When you’re stressed, what food (or drink, such as alcohol) do you turn to?
Recently, one of my clients highlighted my point perfectly:
“When I feel like shit, I eat like shit.”
Let’s break it down further.
Eating “like shit” can mean different things. It can mean “too much” of a healthy food or poorer quality food by comparison (what many term, ‘junk food’).
Drugs may be long in my rearview mirror but that doesn’t mean I don’t have counterproductive responses to stress. For me, historically, a big stress outlet is retail therapy. If I’m sad, bored, stressed, or feeling resentful about something, that dopamine rush of buying something new is a quick surge of short-lived pleasure. (Thank you, Amazon, for making that problem infinitely easier to disappear into).
If I were chronically broke and struggling to pay my bills, my accountant (Hi, Deb!) would say to me: Well, you know Jason, you did spend $XXX on Amazon last month. Don’t you think you could pull it back a bit?
Treat your food in a similar manner. If we view our eating behaviors on that kind spectrum of “this gets me closer to my goal” and “this takes me further from my goal.” That’s one perspective to take.
I always like to highlight the way my friend and fellow coach, Kelly Coffey says it: “Is this the most caring thing I can do for myself right now?”
Personally, I like the visual part, hence the picture attached to this article. When you’re down, what do you do? Grab the rung of the ladder and pull up or grab the shovel and dig deeper?
The beauty of hitting “rock bottom”, whatever that looks like for you, is that you are literally one choice (one rung) away from a change of scenery and a change of outcomes.
Your stress, your response to stress, is your personal battle. If you look at your life and your weight loss progress with the view of “Well, this was a stressful day/week so I’m not stepping on the scale”. You have the data to tell you that food is your outlet for stress.
Focus on that. Put down the shovel.
Or, keep digging. Your choice.
For me, it’s never perfect. Sometimes I climb, sometimes I dig. I just know intimately what rock bottom feels like and I’ll be damned if I’ll go there again.
It’s been two years too long and Kate Galliett returns to the show. You can hear our first great conversation at Episode #123. In this episode, we talk about building unbreakable bodies, how we handle stress and learning how to make diet and exercise work into the chaos of our lives (especially in 2020). Download, subscribe, share with your friends and please take a moment to leave us an iTunes review.
James Krieger returns for his 4th appearance on the show this week. Check out Episodes #67, #79 and #159 for more of his insight. This week, we discuss his new book, co-authored with Michael Matthews: “Fitness Science Explained”. In this episode, James and I dive into what you should consider when you’re trying to understand fitness and nutrition studies, how journalism can impact what you see both positively and negatively and how you can interpret studies better for yourself and your goals. Download, subscribe, share with your friends and please take a moment to leave us an iTunes review.
To learn more about the work of James Krieger, to subscribe to his monthly research review and to purchase your copy of the new book:
Last year, when I decided to go back into therapy, there were problems in my life that I was dealing with that I felt had a correlation to my grieving process (or lack thereof) over losing my father.
When I got through my initial appointment with my therapist where I gave him my backstory and all the things that had led to where I was up to that point, he agreed that not properly grieving for my father may have been one of the areas of concern.
He felt the major area of focus needed to be on the sexual abuse I experienced as a child.
Before I go much further with this, I’ve been speaking about this topic for over 20 years. Many times, I can do so in a way that keeps me distant from the memory. I’ve found ways to detach myself from the event and talk about it as if I were telling you a story about the weather.
Much of the work I did to process that event occurred in my late teens and early twenties. I would write poems, give speeches, talk to therapists, etc. I was even encouraged to confront my abuser, which I did do via phone when I was in college.
It didn’t come as a huge surprise that he did not remember the events the way I did. I had to give him some indisputable details of what occurred so he knew that what I was claiming indeed happened.
I was in a place in my life then that forgiveness seemed the only option. I didn’t confront him to ruin his life or his profession. I confronted him to make peace with it and give myself closure.
I write this today, a couple of months away from my 45th birthday and I still have no closure.
My therapist recognized this.
To which he offered an assignment.
Initially, he had a few books he wanted me to read. There were books he felt would help me relate to others who have been through similar events. It stands to reason that many people have experienced more occurrences than I did but we are taught not to compare.
I read the books and there were insights, often painful ones, that seemed to show a similar trajectory of life between myself and fellow survivors: theft, lying, promiscuity, infidelity, addiction, trouble with finances, trouble with relationships, etc. It outlined these areas in such stark details that not only did I no longer feel alone that I had struggled with these things, I realized I was just like the others.
It wasn’t just sexual abuse either. These patterns were apparent in children who were raised by alcoholic parents or by neglectful parents (neither of which describes my own parents). Survivors, of any type, talk about going through the “process” to heal. I’m still working through that.
My assignment, as it was, was to write two letters with the knowledge I have now. One letter to my abuser and one letter to myself.
I asked my therapist for more detail.
How should I write these?
For instance, why would I write a letter to my abuser when I’ve already confronted him?
He said: “Because more has happened since then and you may need to get it off your chest.”
And what about the letter to myself? Do I write it to myself before or after the event occurred?
“After”, he said. “Think about what you would say to yourself immediately after it happened.”
I sat on this for a while. I knew what he was asking. I also knew how difficult it would be to do. One letter was going to be significantly easier to write. The other, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to do at all.
It didn’t happen immediately but when I felt I had a clear head, I wrote the letter to my abuser. I won’t be reprinting it here. While I managed to write it with as personal of a perspective as I could offer, I simplified his name down to an initial, loaded both of my barrels and took aim. It was one of the harshest things I’ve committed to paper.
I’m writing this today, over a year after my therapist asked me to do so. It’s the first time I felt I could pull it off.
Having seen my therapist last week, I told him I believed I was ready but I thought the only way I could do it was to make it public.
I recently read a quote by author Chuck Palahniuk when referencing the writing process to which he remarked: Don’t write to be liked, write to be remembered.
I likely won’t gain any new fans for this one but that’s not my goal. This particular article won’t be comfortable to read nor has it been to write. If anything, I hope it makes more men comfortable talking about the abuse they’ve suffered with. The more it stays hidden, the more it stays stigmatized. That can’t happen anymore.
Children are sexually abused in such shocking numbers that we’ll never know the true statistics. As a father to two beautiful boys, it is my hope that no one ever lays a harmful hand on them.
This, I suppose, is just as much for their sake as it is for mine.
Coincidentally, while I was working on this article I was listening to the audiobook version of The Autobiography of Malcolm X. A quote stood out to me that I thought was somewhat serendipitous under the circumstances:
“Why am I as I am? To understand that of any person, his whole life, from Birth must be reviewed. All of our experiences fuse into our personality. Everything that ever happened to us is an ingredient.”
What you’re about to read is the best I can do at this point in my life in talking to my 5 (or 6) year old self immediately after the abuse occurred.
Jason, we need to talk.
You probably don’t recognize me but I’m you, some 40 years in the future. If that’s surprising to you, it may seem weird that you have a head full of hair now but not anymore at this age.
I wish that I had nothing but good things to tell you but that’s not why I’m here.
I’m here, first off, to tell you I’m so sorry for what just happened. I wish I could change it but I can’t. I can tell you that the choice you made was the right one. I promise you did the right thing but I know it doesn’t feel like it. No one should ever punish you for doing good. But that’s exactly how this played out.
I can promise you that he will never do it again. That’s the good news.
The bad news is that this will haunt you for all these years to come. You won’t realize that early on. It won’t make sense to you.
I am the product of what happens if you don’t tell Mom and Dad immediately about what just occurred. I’ll talk more about that later.
If you follow this path, the way I am here in front of you today, you’re going to forget a lot about this event. Many years from now, when you’re about to graduate high school, it’s all going to come flooding back and you’re not going to like where it takes you.
You’ll be hospitalized several times, you’ll try to take your life on more than one occasion, you’ll just threaten to end it on others. You’ll get addicted to drugs for a very long time, you’ll lie, cheat, steal and you’ll struggle with something that most people can’t relate to and I’ll try to explain it like this:
Imagine you walk into a store and you want some candy but you don’t have any money. A normal person will just leave and come back when they have money. But you’re not normal anymore. This experience changed that. You’ll look at that piece of candy and you’ll ask yourself, should I steal it or should I leave and come back when I have money? This is a very simple way of looking at what many areas of your life will come down to. When it’s a question of right or wrong, you’ll struggle. Sometimes, you’ll do the right thing. Sometimes, you won’t. You’ll tell yourself that you can get away with it and, sometimes you do. Sometimes you don’t.
The reason you’ll go through this all comes back to this moment. You did the right thing under the worst circumstances and you were punished. So, when it comes to something as simple as right or wrong, for you, it’s never simple. It’s always a negotiation.
I don’t want to make this all sound negative either. Because I can show you another side to this. You’re going to do a lot of good for a lot of people. It will be some of the most gratifying work of your life. You’ll do that because you know what the other side of life looks like. You’ll know what the bottom looks like. And it’s not good.
So you’ll do work that can change someone’s life because you will be making all strides to change your own. Sometimes, you’ll succeed but when you fail, you fail big. Those failures will hurt.
I can tell you that from here you will have two sons. Two wonderful boys. You’ll be married (as I am now) but you will also have gone through a divorce.
I can tell you that I remember virtually nothing about childhood. I’ve blacked nearly everything out. As a result, I see the happiness and joy in the boys that I have no idea how to associate with it. I’m like a blank slate with virtually no memory.
I can tell you at what age you’ll lose Dad. I can tell you how awful that loss will be. Mom is still with us.
I’m coming to you now because I need you to know that you have options. Remember that Disney version of a Christmas Carol where Scrooge can change the outcome of his life? It’s kind of like that.
Here’s the thing: I don’t know what the right decision is. Maybe you have three paths to take.
You tell Mom and Dad as soon as they get home. You let them make the decisions they need to make regarding who watches you when they’re not home. I have absolutely no idea how that will turn out. I don’t know if that makes your life better or worse but I can pretty much promise you it will go differently.
You keep this from them and let the timeline follow a similar place. Maybe the stories I’ve told you help you make better decisions, hurt fewer people and hurt yourself a lot less. I don’t know what you’ll do with the knowledge I just gave you. All I can hope is that some insight makes your life brighter than the path I’ve been on.
You leave everything as it is and take the good with the bad.
I wish I could give you better options than this. I wish I could say: “Just do this and it will all be better.”
I can’t.
I can’t because I don’t know what another path looks like, only what I can imagine.
I know that everyone goes through struggles in their lives. Everyone has pain and hardships. Everyone is just trying to make do and make the best of what life throws their way.
I cannot change what he just did to you. It will forever be a part of your life. Because of that that, you’ll continue to walk this line sifting through the outcomes, the great ones and the traumatic ones.
I want you to know that I love you. I’m proud of you. Despite not knowing enough about this circumstance to understand the depths of how it will change you, you made the right choice. I just really wish it didn’t come with such a heavy price.
Allow me to say again: I’m so sorry. This should never have happened. Not to you, not to “us”, not to anyone. There are good people in this world, there are bad people in this world and somewhere in between, there are good people who just don’t know any better. I don’t know where that leaves us. I just know what I’ve seen for the last 40 years since this happened.
Whatever choice you make, remember that none of this was your fault. Do good in this world and, more often than not, you’ll be better for it and so will the world around you. As hard as it may seem at times, this much I know is true.
jk! I’ve had a few over the course of my 4 years and that’s what keeps me going, keeps me motivated, again holds me accountable. I’m a mother of 2 teenagers that are extremely busy, do I want to just want to give in some days and be lazy, yes I do, and sometimes I do! But more often that not, my friends are there waiting for me, so I go do my thing!
Jason Leenaarts 