Several years ago, when Marie Kondo’s bestselling book, “The Life Changing Magic Of Tidying Up” came out, it resonated a lot with me.
Shortly after reading it, I took the book’s guidance and went into my closet to start getting rid of clothing and shoes that I’d either not worn in two years or that no longer “brought me joy”.
I packed up a couple of garbage bags worth of apparel and donated it to people in need.
It was such a dramatic reduction in what I was used to seeing in my closet but it was refreshing and I knew that what I was left with were the things that would get the most wear and that I enjoyed the most.
Of course, apparel tends to wear down and wear out over time so as pieces started to decline in quality or as new clothing was purchased, I continued to keep my things down to a given minimum by finding pieces to throw away or donate.
I’ve never returned to the same amount of clothing that I owned prior to reading that book.
I’ve mentioned before on this site that I’ve collected some manner of material things for most of my life.
Over the last several years, it’s been books, records and bourbon.
This past year, the bourbon collection has dwindled down to a fraction of what it was before and while it wasn’t planned, I’ve been dry since before the end of the year. So, fewer bottles on the shelf and less personal consumption.
I’ve also started to go through my records and books and whittle down those collections as well.
I’ve reached a point where having lots of “things” just doesn’t give me the same joy it once did.
So 2025, for me, will be a work in progress of continuing to get rid of more and more things so that I can just own less and less.
In addition to the items themselves, I know I have a tendency to struggle with FOMO (fear of missing out), so I’ve unsubscribed from many email newsletters letting me know about upcoming or limited edition items and I’ve unfollowed many social media pages which might advertise the same.
As I go through this process, I find that it is always stress reducing for me and I don’t know anyone who wakes up and says: Let’s see how stressed out I can make myself today.
By comparison, the things I want more of likely won’t take up shelf space and they’ll be a fraction of the monetary cost of all those material things.
-I want more personal peace
-I want to learn more about being an effective coach
-I want more time with my wife and my boys
-I want more progress towards my strength (mental and physical).
As of now, I have around 1200 books in my library at the studio and over 1000 records at home. The plan is to cut out at least 20% of both to free up both physical and mental space and just let rooms breathe.
Knowing how I tend to be, once I start letting go of things, more will follow.
As the sentiment goes: I can’t take this stuff with me when I die and while I do plan to live as long as I can, less clutter leads to less stress so this is the year of less stress (and the objects that contribute to it) and more peace in my life.
Roughly five years ago, I got back into therapy and I didn’t “want” to be in therapy.
To be clear, I needed it but I didn’t want it.
Being in therapy meant something was wrong and something was broken and I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to admit either of those things but that didn’t make it less necessary.
Being in therapy made me rehash memories and reopen old wounds that refused to die, that refused to heal and continued to find ways to poke holes into the rest of my life.
So over the next several months, I pored through all of those details: the good, the bad, the painful, the shameful, and everything in between.
At a certain point, Collin, my therapist, asked me how I wanted to proceed: if I was going to do the work to heal all those broken bits or if I was going to stay in the same place letting all those old wounds fester out into the rest of my life.
I didn’t have an answer.
I was stuck.
And Collin said the words to me that have been branded into my brain ever since, words that I have peppered into this website on more than one occasion since then: When you’re in enough pain, you’ll change.
As you set your sights into 2025, I want you to take stock just like Collin asked me to do all those years ago and consider what changed and what needs more changing.
I am of a certain mindset now that I hate feeling stagnant and I hate feeling like I didn’t make progress in the areas of my life that need it most.
And like many people, I really don’t like the feeling of pain…so I change.
When you look at yourself in the mirror, and really LOOK, I want you to set goals in 2025 that make you uncomfortable.
I want you to set goals that make you stretch yourself.
I want you to be clear on those goals.
I want you to plot out details of what the steps towards those goals might look like.
And then I want you to move heaven and hell and to get there.
If you’re anything like me, perhaps you’ve realized that the things you value most in life are the things you’ve had to work hardest for.
For me, that has been my own personal self-improvement, the growth of my business, parenting, and my marriage (in no particular order).
The work never ends. The work always requires patience, it always involves missteps, it always takes longer to achieve a certain goal than what I expected and the work is ALWAYS worth the effort.
If I had a wish for you, it’s for you to not remain the same person in 2025 that you were in 2024.
And I want you to do more than talk a good game. I want you to show up and walk that talk over and over and over again until you’re facing 2026 with the benefit of hindsight to say, I put in the work and I know how I got better.
And when you look in the mirror a year from now, I want you to be immeasurably proud of yourself.
The same way that I’m proud of the fact that when I answered Collin by putting in the work it was because I refused to stay stuck.
For you, make the decision to change and start it now.
I ran four intakes this year of my 8-week online group coaching program, Fat Loss Simplified. I knew I wanted to continue the course heading into 2025 but I had not fully committed myself to how I wanted to roll it out. I’m really happy with how the course went this year but I wanted to change the format up to make it more accessible for future members. Stay tuned at the beginning of the year to see how the course will evolve.
What I Learned, Read and Consumed
Looking back, I feel like I didn’t read as much as I normally do. While I can’t be mad about making it through 100 books this year, many of them came via audiobook as I just didn’t take the time to read physical books as much as I have in the past.
However, part of my time was spent in continuing education picking up some certifications and courses along the way. Earlier this year, I took a bridging assessment and took my nutritionist certification from Mac-Nutrition University and transitioned it into a Level 5 diploma in advanced nutrition. Once I acquired that diploma, I was granted access to dietitian level courses through Australia’s Monash University and completed two additional courses: “The Low FODMAP diet for IBS” and “Identification and Management of Disordered Eating in Gastrointestinal Disorders.” Because I’m not an RD, I can only reference that I have completed the courses not that I have been certified in them. I do have limitations and scope within the accreditation that I have. That being said, both courses were excellent and helpful to learn more about. Also, I re-certified as a Women’s Coaching Specialist through Girls Gone Strong when their new/updated textbook came out this year.
I don’t normally pick my favorites when it comes to the books I read each year but there were 4 novels that stood out from the rest: “James” by Perceval Everett, “The Heaven & Earth Grocery Store” by James McBride, “All The Colors Of The Dark” by Chris Whitaker and “Demon Copperhead” by Barbara Kingsolver. In the self-help/self-improvement field, my two favorites that I read this year were “The Book Of Ichigo Ichie” by Francesc Miralles and Hector Garcia and “Get Out Of Your Mind & Into Your Life” by Steven Hayes and Spencer Smith.
1-Be Useful: Seven Tools For Life by Arnold Schwarzenegger
2-The End Of Craving by Mark Schatzker
3-The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris
4-The Happiest Man On Earth by Eddie Jaku
5-Outlive by Dr. Peter Attila
6-Atomic Habits (re-read) by James Clear
7-Drama Free by Nedra Glover Tawwab
8-The Compound Effect by Darren Hardy
9-Amok by Barry Eisler
10-The Body Liberation Project by Chrissy King
11-Raising Body Positive Teens by S. Darpinian, W. Sterling and S. Aggarwal
12-Deconstructing The Fitness Industrial Complex by J. Williams, R. Rochan, and L. Koval
13-The DBT Solution For Emotional Eating by D. Safer, S. Adler, and P. Masson
14-Fat, Crazy & Tired by Van Lathan Jr.
15-Do Hard Things by Steve Magness
16-Better Sex Through Mindfulness by Lori A. Brotto
17-Sensate Focus In Sex Therapy by C. Clark and L. Weiner
18-The Science Of Gut Health by G. Fundaro and J. Hoffman
19-Exercised by Daniel J. Lieberman
20-The Comeback Quotient by Matt Fitzgerald
21-Good Vibes, Good Life by Vex King
22-Becoming Supernatural by Dr. Joe Dispenza
23-The Good Enough Job by Simone Stolzoff
24-10X Is Easier Than 2X by Dan Sullivan and Benjamin Hardy
25-Code Name Verity by Elizabeth Wein
26-The Diary Of A CEO by Steven Bramlett
27-Zero To One by Peter Thiel (re-read)
28-It’s Not About The Coffee by Howard Behan
29-The Many Lives Of Mama Love by Lara Love Hardin
30-The Deepest Well by Nadine Burke Harris
31-The Longest Race by Kara Goucher & Mary Pilon
31-The 15 Commitments Of Conscious Leadership by J. Dethmer, D. Chapman, & K. Klemp
32-How To Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie (re-read)
33-The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey (re-read)
34-Fingers Crossed by Miki Berenyi
35-The Art Of Darkness: The History Of Goth by John Robb
36-The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
37-GGS Women’s Coaching Specialist Textbook
38-Magic Words by Jonah Berger
39-Holy Ghost: The Life & Death Of Free Jazz Pioneer Albert Ayler by Richard Koloda
40-Rebel Girl by Kathleen Hanna
41-From Strength To Strength by Arthur C. Brooks
42-How To Grow Your Small Business by Donald Miller
43-Down With The System by Serj Tankian
44-No Machos Or Pop Stars by Gavin Butt
45-Scarcity Brain by Michael Easter
46-Email Mastery! by Dean Jackson
47-Mother Hunger by Kelly McDaniel
48-7 1/2 Lessons About The Brain by Lisa Feldman Barrett
49-Same As Ever by Morgan Housel
50-Build The Life You Want by Arthur C. Brooks and Oprah Winfrey
51-Buy Back Your Time by Dan Martell
52-Gnar Country by Steven Kotler
53-Your Future Self by Hal Hershfield
54-The Women In The Castle by Jessica Shattuck
55-Prince And The Purple Rain Era Studio Sessions by Duane Tudahl and Ahmir Thompson
56-Alcohol Explained by William Porter
57-Getting To Yes by R. Fisher, W. Ury and B. Patton
58-The Women by Kristin Hannah
59-Think Twice by Harlan Coben
60-James by Perceval Everett
61-Remarkably Bright Creatures by Shelby Van Pelt
62-Prince And The Parade & Sign O’ The Times Era Studio Sessions by Duane Tudahl
63-Demon Copperhead by Barbara Kingsolver
64-Promise That You Will Sing About Me by Miles Marshall Lewis
65-The Heaven & Earth Grocery Store by James McBride
66-The Crane Wife by Patrick Ness
67-33 1/3: To Pimp A Butterfly by Sequoia Maner
68-Sandwich by Catherine Newman
69-Stay Fanatic Vol. 4 by Henry Rollins
70-The Cemetery Of Untold Stories by Julia Alvarez
71-The Omen Machine by Terry Goodkind
72-The Third Kingdom by Terry Goodkind
73-Wildwood by Colin Meloy
74-Love & Pain by Ben Gillies and Chris Joannou
75-Debt Of Bones by Terry Goodkind
76-How To Nourish Yourself Through An Eating Disorder by W. Sterling & C. Crosbie
77-All My Rage by Sabaa Tahir
78-The Inside Scoop On Eating Disorder Recovery by C . Reichmann and J. Rollin
79-8 Keys To Recovery From An Eating Disorder by C. Costin and G. Grabb
80-Becoming A Mentally Tough Motherf*cker by Sumi Singh
81-The God Of The Woods by Liz Moore
82-All The Colors Of The Dark by Chris Whitaker
83-Total F*cking Godhead: The Biography Of Chris Cornell by Corbin Rieff
84-Nightfly: The Life Of Steely Dan’s Donald Fagen by Peter Jones
85-Know My Name by Chanel Miller
86-The Power Of The Other by Dr. Henry Cloud
87-The Book Of Ichigo Ichie by H. Garcia and F. Miralles
88-Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro
89-The Courage To Be Disliked by I. Kishimi & F. Koga
90-Listen For The Lie by Amy Tintera
91-Guillotine by Delilah S. Dawson
92-A Therapist’s Guide To Treating Eating Disorders In A Social Media Age by Shauna Frisbie
93-Unchained: The Eddie Van Halen Story by Paul Brannigan
94-Brothers by Alex Van Halen
95-Red: My Uncensored Life In Rock by Sammy Hagar
96-Reasons Not To Worry by Brigid Delaney
97-A Devil On One Shoulder And An Angel On The Other: The Story Of Shannon Hoon And Blind Melon by Greg Prato
98-The Kind Worth Killing by Peter Swanson
99-Get Out Of Your Mind & Into Your Life by S. Hayes & S. Smith
I look back at the 35 years I had to spend with him and there’s not a day that passes that I don’t wish he were still here.
I am now 10 years shy of the age he was when cancer took him.
The likelihood that I will have the same cancer that he did isn’t good but it does stay in my mind: “What if” I only have that much time left?
I have two sons, Jackson and Sebastian, and like a lot of parents there is hardly a thing in this world I wouldn’t do for my boys.
But I also recognize that, of the things in my life that I have some degree of control over, my health is one of them.
I can eat mostly nutritious foods.
I can exercise.
I can prioritize my sleep.
I can have a high step count.
I can continue to improve my mental health.
I can stay up-to-date with current comprehensive bloodwork to make sure nothing under the surface isn’t heading a direction I don’t want it to go.
It’s not a perfect process. I am neither a perfect person nor a perfect parent.
But it’s what I have.
I don’t wake up every day, repeating affirmations in my mirror, manifesting positive vibes and giving myself the ol’ rah-rah on the way to work.
I just keep putting in the time, effort and work that I can on myself.
It’s not just for my boys, it’s for Marissa, it’s for my Mom, it’s for my clients and, selfishly, it’s for me.
Because I want to be around for them as long as I humanly can if it’s within my control to do so.
Perhaps you’ve heard the sentiment before: You say you’ll die for your family, but how will you live for them?
I don’t know who to credit that to, but it makes sense.
We all have to define health in a very different way from one another. What motivates you to be the best version of yourself may be quite different from me and that’s perfectly okay.
Whatever motivates you, dig deep into it. Pull the layers back on it. Make it about more than just the little black dress for the holiday event, the visible abs, or the wedding photos.
Make it about the life you truly want to experience.
To the best of my ability, I want to be around: mobile, capable, and strong for as long as I can.
There’s a question I like to ask potential clients when we’re in our initial consultation:
On a scale of 0 to 10, 0 being not noticeable and 10 being intolerable, where is stress for you right now?
And as you can imagine, I hear all sorts of responses.
Many people (not all) operate at a fairly high level of stress.
I ask if that numerical value they give me is the norm or abnormal.
That part depends.
Some people go through seasonal ebbs and flows of professional life where certain times of the year will always be more stressful and demanding than others.
Some people, due to the demands of family and work, just acclimate to a high level of stress almost year-round.
In conversation, some will say that they’re just waiting for things to slow down so they can put more focus on themselves, their health and their goals.
Others admit that, as much as they’d like things to ease up, they recognize that even if they get the chance to “breathe”, it likely won’t last long.
So, I want you to take a moment, as we’re getting closer to the end of 2024, and ask yourself: Is it realistic and reasonable that my life is going to slow down soon?
If so, take the time to focus on what you need to now, whether that be the holidays, travel, social events, etc. and set your sights on the portion of your calendar when you can start prioritizing yourself again.
However, if you live one of those lives where you just can’t catch a break as often as you’d like, that means you’re going to have to get a whole lot better at surfing the rocky waves.
For myself, life doesn’t really seem to slow down. Part of this is self-inflicted, as owning a business is frequently demanding and requires a lot of mental and physical energy. I’m a husband, a father, a son, and life is never, ever boring. Which means, if I need to prioritize myself, it has to happen in the midst of the storm. It’s never perfect and lots of things get in the way. But if I don’t take care of me, no one else can do that work.
If you are in that latter group, the kind who keeps asking: When I am going to catch a break?
Assume you don’t, assume you won’t and then plan accordingly.
The people I’ve found who get closer to their goals aren’t the ones with perfect plans that are executed in perfect measure. They’re the ones who dealt with messy, frustrating, curveball lives and said:
As much as I love seeing clients dial in their focus, make sweeping changes to their lives and drop a lot of pounds quickly, I know that fast fat loss is not for everyone.
Yes, it absolutely can be more motivating and if a client is more motivated, they’re more likely to stay adherent to the plan but life has this frustrating tendency to get in the way and when the first curveball comes, it can be difficult for people to not let the distractions win.
Instead, I find myself advocating for and encouraging slower fat loss these days.
Consider this: If you’re a woman trying to lose fat and you don’t want to spend hours toiling away in the gym, you’re trying to find the right balance between expending enough and pulling calories back just enough to see results.
Let’s say your maintenance calories are somewhere around 1700-1900 calories per day. If you follow the “conventional” wisdom that 1 pound of fat is equal to 3500 calories, then a 500 calorie deficit means you’ll lose approximately 1 pound per week. Note: the math isn’t perfect. We’re working with estimates.
That means, you’re working with 1200-1400 calories per day not including what you expend during exercise.
What you may find is that you can do this for a period of days but attempting to do it week after week may be more draining that you anticipated. Many women are sensitive to aggressive deficits and that means, the more you push for faster fat loss, the more your body may give you the signs that it’s not having it.
A slightly different approach is to make the deficit smaller while still keeping exercise as frequent as you can. So, that might look like intake of 1400-1600 (for instance) and keeping your step count up, lifting weights at least 2x/week and making sure you’re getting decent sleep.
You’ve likely heard the adage that: you didn’t gain the weight overnight, you can’t expect to lose it overnight either. The sentiment applies.
So, yes, it may make the journey slower but remember that you’re in this self-improvement trek for the long haul. Losing what you want is part of the process, keeping it off is the other part.
I try to remind many of my clients (especially the ladies) that it took my wife nearly two years to lose 35 pounds. While she would have loved to lose the weight faster, the slower pace allowed her to focus on more sustainable eating habits that could still serve her when she was at maintenance.
I’ve also found, observationally, that the clients I have who take a slower approach tend to be more understanding when life interferes. They know that patience, consistency and some mental flexibility win in the end.
So, nothing against dropping the pounds faster, however, if that path has only led to frustration and weight regain, try a slower approach.
I’m writing this article on the week of Thanksgiving and it would have been easy and appropriate for me to write something about gratitude as I have in the past.
I’m also writing this article on the week of my 49th birthday and it would have been just as easy to churn out a list of 49 things that you (or I) could do to improve ourselves as I’ve done in the past.
Instead, I’m writing this article after we’ve lost a close friend of our family and that makes the holidays more challenging.
In fairness, I only know Kevin because of my wife and this loss is significantly more difficult for her because of their friendship.
So, I’m going to try and wrap several sentiments together in the best way I can.
If you have a great friend or great friends in your life, the ones who stick by you through thick and thin, reach out to them, tell them how grateful you are that they are in your life.
Tell them how much you appreciate how they never judge you, how they are there to offer a kind word when needed, and how much you cherish that bond that you share together.
If you know they struggle in their lives with problems you can’t change, be the sounding board they need, remind them that you love them, offer to help in any way that you’re able.
I realize that nothing is more valuable than your health. That could be physical or mental, and it’s usually both.
My heart aches for my wife because Kevin has been a part of our lives for as long as I’ve known her. He was smart, he was funny, he was incredibly talented and he absolutely adored Marissa and Sebastian.
He called me a few years ago because he had questions about my years of addiction, what rehab was like, how I got clean, etc. It’s never an easy conversation to have. Not because I’m not comfortable talking about it but because I know that no one changes until they’re ready and for me, my rock bottom changed everything. I wanted to see Kevin turn his life around too…
I am grateful for all the time we had with him and that my wife had that friendship at times when she needed it most. I know what she gave to their friendship and I know how it was reciprocated.
If I offer you any words of encouragement about ways to improve your life: listen without judgment, love unselfishly, heal your wounds, and laugh often. Life’s too short to do anything less.
To Kevin, thank you for being a such an integral part of our lives. You will dearly be missed and I do hope that you have finally found some peace. Love you, brother.
I’ve been bouncing the idea of this article around for months and I’ve hesitated to write it for several reasons:
-Every person is motivated by different things
-What works for one won’t work for another
-Having a kickstart towards progress can be a tremendous help
-The value of creating support and community should never be underestimated
All these things aside, for as long as I’ve been coaching in the fitness industry (17 years), there is always some “challenge” that people get involved in to help them get further along.
Sometimes, it’s the ones that are diet driven: 14 day resets, 21 day kickstarts, 30 day detoxes, etc.
All of which find some way to exclude foods (or drinks) from the diet to challenge you mentally and physically with the promise that you will be healed, fixed, revolutionized, or transformed on the way to the promised land.
The really savvy ones will not only have you remove certain things from the diet, they’ll convince you to buy some type of supplement stack (value priced at only $279) because you need the appropriate balance of vitamins, minerals, snake oil and fairy dust to truly benefit.
Then, there are others that combine some arbitrary list of restrictive diet changes, behavioral modifications, workout routines, etc. to determine how hard you can work to challenge your mind, your body, and your lifestyle. Rest assured, this is where they separate the “men from the boys”, the truly dedicated from the half-hearted, and so on.
And, in theory, I don’t have a problem with anything that genuinely strives to make you the best version of yourself.
However, what we tend to see, is that the vast majority of people who engage in these challenges end up going right back to their “normal” not long after the challenge is complete.
I don’t want to dismiss this all entirely.
For instance, there will always be the person who makes a New Year’s resolution to drop 50 pounds and keep it off and, by God, they actually do it.
But you know just as well as I do, they are the exception.
And as far as challenges go, there will indeed be people who make those sweeping changes and the lightbulb comes on, a switch is flipped, and they never look back.
A year later, they’ve achieved their ideal physique, they sleep better, they party less, and life just.seems.perfect.
And again, they are the exception.
Fact is, most diet-driven challenges are a terrible idea for people who struggle with disordered eating practices. And they themselves might never know that, but they’ll embark on the challenge anyway and wonder why they keep spinning their wheels and never get to the root of what’s standing in their way (finding a therapist who specializes in eating disorders is a good place to start).
And I will admit that even I tossed out one of these challenges about 5 years ago to my clients for a 30-day span of time. Chock this up to not knowing better and if I had known then what I know now about disordered eating behaviors, I never would have done this.
But we live…we learn (hopefully).
So, what’s the solution?
Most (not all) of the people you know didn’t transform their bodies and lives from a challenge (even if it had good intentions). They got those bodies and those lives by doing the boring and the seemingly mundane over and over and over again. Those actions aren’t highlight worthy. We only want to see the beginning and the end because the middle is about as exciting as watching paint dry.
Here’s my suggestions instead:
-Explore the one area of these challenges that really makes you uncomfortable. For instance, if a challenge asks you to remove alcohol and you know that doing so will be the part that hurts the most, THAT’S the place to really dig into. Everything else is just a clever distraction from the part that will get you the most out of your comfort zone.
-Lean into the boring bits. I hate to say this (or rather, type it) but true transformation comes from all the things no one tends to share. It’s the agonizing pull to put in the work when the couch is telling you to stay. It’s the getting-your-ass-out-of-bed step when all you want to do is hit snooze. It’s the meal prep when McDonald’s sounds easier, it’s the water when you want wine, it’s the go-the-f-to-sleep when Netflix begs you to watch one more episode. Do the boring work, reap the great results.
-Pay attention to your track record. If you have a long, colorful history of engaging in challenges that spark wild-eyed wonder and motivation only to fizzle out like the end of a sparkler, ask yourself what you’re avoiding. The challenges might give you some temporary hope but the finish line you’re really aiming for comes well after the challenge ends.
If you’re in the U.S., you’ll know that the time between late October (Halloween) and the beginning of the next year can be a dicey time to attempt to lose fat.
You’ve got the aforementioned Halloween, and all the candy that comes with it (especially if you have children in the home who participate), you have Thanksgiving, Hanukkah (for those who celebrate), Christmas (also for those who celebrate) and New Year’s. All of which are very much focused on food, drink, and socializing.
It’s not just the actual days those holidays fall on either.
Depending on how the family congregates, each holiday can be celebrated for more than one day and leftovers from all the delicious food can last for several days as well.
Not to mention, all of the emotional highs and lows of gift giving, cooking, family dynamics, work celebrations, and more and those two plus months can make it difficult to be successful at fat loss.
So, what can you do?
The answer isn’t simple but here are some thoughts:
-The holidays might be a good time to focus on weight maintenance rather than fat loss. You may be pulled in a lot of different directions and dieting can be enough of a stressor as is. Do the best you can to accept some degree of overindulgence on those holidays in particular and use the rest of the given week to get back to “normal” without attempting to slash and burn calories aggressively on the opposing days.
-Some people relish the challenge of trying to lose fat during this time. Far be it from me to stop someone when this may be motivating to them. For a certain type of person, being able to go against the grain and diet successfully may be realistic and possible. While I wouldn’t count this person as the rule (rather the exception to the rule), it is still possible for some to succeed by managing food intake more strategically on the holidays by skipping desserts, alcohol, etc.
-Focus on the people around you and less on the food itself. I don’t know about you, but over the last several years, I’ve found myself less likely to overdo the food and more likely to concentrate on the people I’m with. This isn’t in efforts to control my weight, rather I just try to be present and enjoy the company.
-Doing the best you can with some type of consistent movement can help. I’ve written many times about this on this website but if you commit yourself to walking, hiking, etc. it’s incredibly beneficial for your mental health and some of us need that improvement rather than shooting for how many calories you can burn during the activity itself. In other words, if dressing is your Thanksgiving food of choice, try not to hop on the treadmill later that day in valiant attempts to burn it all off. Enjoy the dressing and go on about your day.
-If you need a strategy for navigating holiday food, I touched on it a bit above but you can go easy on desserts, alcohol, starchy and cheesy foods. Not because those foods are “bad”. They’re not, they’re just easy ways to consume a fair amount of calories in a relatively small amount. Keep an eye on the proteins and green veggies and if there’s something you’re truly craving, see if someone would be willing to share a bite with you. The holidays are a good time to remind yourself about that type of bonding too.
There’s a sentiment I’ve shared to many of my female clients over the years.
Fat loss, in my opinion, is difficult.
Fat loss when you’re a female is more difficult.
Fat loss when you’re a female in a long term relationship is even more difficult.
Fat loss when you’re a female in a long term relationship who also has children to care for is, yes, more difficult.
Fat loss when you’re a female in a long term relationship who may or may not have children and also struggles with the challenges of menopause or PCOS or hypothyroidism or anxiety or depression or ADD/ADHD is simply more difficult…
Every layer to the sentiment adds another degree of complexity, nuance and challenge to not just losing fat but successfully keeping it off.
In making these claims, I try to caveat by saying: it’s not that men don’t also struggle with fat loss but the struggle is not the same.
I believe fat loss for females is exponentially more unfair.
On one side of the argument is that societal norms often dictate that a woman needs to be smaller to be valued more, that a woman can only be healthy in a smaller body, that a woman shouldn’t have any back fat, bingo arms, thighs that touch, wrinkled skin, a “fluffy” midsection, etc…
…That a woman must maintain this smaller body and also, hold down a job, clean the house, cook dinner, raise the kids, sexually satisfy their partner, care for aging parents, and keep a smile on their face the entire time.
These same women will go through the menopause transition, a phase that will literally last for years and struggle with changes in their body that they have little to no control over, and must accept that as estrogens fluctuate and decline that they may be affected by hot flushes, night sweats, vaginal dryness, changes in digestion, achy joints and muscles, changes in body composition which can make the midsection larger, mood swings, constipation, urinary incontinence, headaches, breast tenderness, loss of muscle and bone density, and an increase of inflammation in the body…(that list was not comprehensive).
Some women may get relief through hormone replacement therapy and some may get relief through antidepressants.
EVERY woman will experience this change differently.
And yet, nearly every woman will express the sentiment that they don’t feel in control of their body, that they don’t feel heard about the symptoms they’re feeling, that they don’t get appropriate answers to how to solve the problems, and yes, one of the most pervasive questions: why don’t the things that used to work for fat loss work anymore?
Because…the body has changed.
I say this all as a male coach. A male coach who trains mostly women, a male coach who will never experience menopause or PCOS or carrying a child to term, a male coach who, at best, can only be a spectator and guide to what women might potentially go through while they’re trying to improve their health.
I say this to remind you that you are not broken but your body has changed, will change, or is currently in a state of unique change.
And as the adage goes, you can’t change the cards you’re dealt, but you can play the hell out of the hand.
So, here’s a list of what you need to know to make fat loss a bit easier in spite of all the challenges I mentioned above. I recognize that to be able to complete a great deal of the list assumes a significant position of privilege and many women will not be able to check every item off this list.
-Eat the most nutritious food you can. Prioritize lean proteins, a diverse range of fiber, and pay attention to any foods you believe you have an intolerance to.
-Stay hydrated. A decent guide to know if you’re hydrated is if your urine is light yellow to clear in color. Be aware that certain vitamins may keep urine brighter even if you’re drinking enough.
-Do all you can to have a consistent sleep/wake cycle. If you currently struggle with hot flushes or night sweats this may be more difficult. Turn off all electronics 30-45 minutes before bedtime so you’re not mentally stimulated by the screen.
-Find a movement practice you can stick with. If you’re starting from nothing, going for a walk is a great place to start. If you love yoga, stick with yoga. If you love zumba, stick with zumba. It’s more important that you find something you can stick with than forcing yourself to do something you despise and not committing to it.
-Beyond your movement practice you need to start lifting weights. 2-3x/week is a good place to settle into. Put your time and energy into getting as strong as you can, as safely as you can. This is for your mental health, your physical health and the longevity of bone and muscle.
-Have a self-care routine. Life will continue to be stressful so whether it’s a walk with the dog, reading a great book, getting a massage, getting a pedicure/manicure, etc. make sure that you have a list of things that you know can help refill your cup.
-Delegate the tasks. Yes, you are Wonder Woman. No, you cannot do it all. Rally your family to delegate different tasks that each person can do to help keep the household in order. Everyone who is physically capable can contribute towards this goal.
-Have a fantastic GP, OB/GYN and/or endocrinologist. Stay up with routine, annual, comprehensive bloodwork. You might “look” fine on the outside but things can be awry inside. Stay in the loop on your body.
-On that last note, make sure you are documenting changes in your body that may need attention. If you only see your doctor once every few months or once a year, you need documentation of things that aren’t what they used to be. You must advocate for yourself and have a list of the things that require further insight.
-Be patient. If you’re in the menopause transition, you can expect to be there for several years. That’s a lot of time to either spend building yourself up or tearing yourself down. Focus on the former.
-Most women do not have a ton of calories to play with when it comes to succeeding at fat loss. That means that your margin of error could be quite small if you are aiming for a deficit. Many women are sensitive to aggressive deficits and find that sticking to them is difficult. Be okay with a conservative/slower approach to fat loss.
-Your energy levels matter. If you’re constantly bottoming out your calories, doing hyper-restrictive diets and feeling thrashed in your workouts, something is amiss. You want to have the highest quality output that you can. Make sure you’re fueling yourself adequately and I don’t mean whatever caffeinated, sugary drink you called breakfast this morning.
-Curate and filter your social media feed. You are being inundated with marketing messages about how your body is not enough and that you need to be fixed, detoxed and reset. You do not need to be reset. You’re not a smartphone. There is a scandalous amount of predatory and misleading information on the internet. Make sure you’re following people who aren’t leading by fear and trying to con you into $300 worth of supplements every month.
-If you cannot succeed with filtering social media to make it a safer place for your viewing, consider abandoning the platform. I know it might sound crazy but once upon a time we lived pretty decent lives without TikTok (as an example). I am certain you can live without it if you had to. This is about protecting your mental bandwidth.
-It isn’t realistic for me to tell you to never compare yourself against someone else. If you were in a race, you would be comparing yourself against the person who is faster than you. Comparison in efforts to improve yourself can be helpful but comparison that leaves you feeling like a fraction of a person isn’t the way to go. I knew a woman, once upon a time, who, if you didn’t know anything about her personal life, you might admire her physique and her dedication to training. What you couldn’t see were all the things in her personal life that she was losing control over. When you hear: Don’t judge a book by it’s cover, it’s because of scenarios like this. Ultimately, we all play the game of me vs. me. I would encourage you to keep building yourself up.
-If you’ve struggled with fat loss and your body image for years, the solution is not another diet. It’s therapy. Find an excellent therapist. Once you’ve healed the parts of yourself which need it, you might find that fat loss becomes a bit easier (or maybe you learn to love yourself in spite of what the scale says).
-I hate to say it but fasting protocols suck for most women. I can’t say that fasting isn’t helpful for some women some of the time but when I hear people say that all women should be fasting, I cringe. It’s especially problematic for women who struggle with disordered eating practices. There’s nothing wrong with you if you find that fasting is not a helpful tool.
-Never be afraid to ask for help. Never stop advocating for yourself. Never stop improving who you are and the body and mind you live in. Never stop prioritizing your health even if it sometimes seems a bit selfish. A stronger version of you, mentally and physically, is arguably the best version of you. The scale will not show you the whole story.
Jason Leenaarts 