Several years ago, a young lady (we’ll call her K), started training with us. Initially, her goal was weight loss and she wasn’t new to strength training or a consistent exercise regimen.
K was working in a high-stress corporate job and had also been dealing with some degree of depression and anxiety which she was on medication for. Like many people, she was hoping that getting her weight in a healthier place and getting some regular exercise would help reduce her stress and also help manage her depression and anxiety, too.
I always try to overdeliver when it comes to our onboarding and consultations. I want my weight loss clients to have as much information as they’ll need to make the best decisions when it comes to diet adherence and reaching their results.
However, it didn’t take long in our journey together to see that K was continually getting bogged down with workload and that began rearing its head into her diet plans, too. In other words, more stress resulted in less dietary adherence and, it wasn’t uncommon for her to have to cancel her training sessions last minute because work began to take over.
We were working together one night and K was relaying some of her frustration to me. She really wanted to see better weight loss results but work and life were spreading her thin and she was having a difficult time keeping every plate spinning in her life.
I recall going to one of our whiteboards here in the studio where I could draw out some of my thoughts and show her some things that might help so that she had realistic expectations about what she could or couldn’t do based on what life was throwing her way. I thought the conversation went well.
A few days later, one of my coaches, Megan, was working with me and she asked: “So, what did you say to K the other night?”
I drew a blank. I knew we had discussed some tactics to help her with her diet plan but I couldn’t quite recall anything more specific than that. I asked Megan what she meant.
She said, “Well, I know you pretty well and I’m sure you had the best intentions with her but she was really upset about how you approached the conversation. She told me she was ready to leave that night and stop training with us.”
I was stunned. I had absolutely no idea what I had said or how I had said it that would have upset K to that extent. But when Megan explained it all to me, it had a slightly different feel to it. In other words, what I said and how it was interpreted were two very different things.
The next time I saw K, I had to bring it up: “Hey, listen…I am so sorry if something I said the other night to you upset you. I would never intentionally do that. I may have not used the choice of words that was best at that moment but I sometimes get carried away in coaching conversations and may have expressed some thoughts that weren’t helpful at the time.”
K replied: “You know, I know that now but I think it was just one of those things where I wasn’t in a good place mentally and it felt like you were talking down to me. I just didn’t appreciate it.”
“K, I am so sorry. I would never approach a conversation like that. I know how delicate weight loss can be and I know how much stress it can put on people. I only wanted to help and I would never intentionally do something to offend you.”
“It’s ok”, she said. “I’m good now. I appreciate you talking to me about it.”
Nevertheless, K was not a client of ours much longer. That was about 3 years ago.
And within those 3 years, while the specifics have gotten fuzzier for me over time, the sentiments have not. I constantly have to remind myself that I need to choose my words as carefully as possible because I never know all that my clients are going through or are trying to process at a moment when we’re having a coaching conversation and the last thing I want is to trigger a negative experience.
It’s not just within the four walls of this business either. It’s in our friendships, our relationships, our marriages, our parenting styles. The words we use and the tone in which we use them are constantly in a battle for effectiveness and as the adage goes: Do you want to be right or do you want to be effective? (There can be a difference…)
I look back on that conversation with K and it taught me more about coaching than many other scenarios have.
How can I be the best coach I can be?
How can I use the best and most accurate words to help my clients?
Truth be told, it’s both art and skill. Like many things in life, the ability to coach effectively is not unlike dancing: sometimes you lead and sometimes you follow. Honesty and candor go a long way towards producing great results but that means that both parties have to be willing participants.
Fast forward through those three years and I know I’ve improved as a coach because I keep trying to learn as much as I can. Not only that, but I keep trying to teach those lessons to the rest of my clients because you never know when the wisdom or lessons might sink in.
And also, a little update on K…
K left her corporate job recently after going through both a mental and physical shift in her life. She moved away from this area and started a business of her own, coincidentally a coaching business. I’ve continued to follow her throughout the time since she stopped training here and would engage on her posts whenever I could.
Last week, I decided to reach out and I wanted to share part of that conversation with you: I said “Hey stranger, I’ve been following many of your updates and just wanted to congratulate you on the new ventures. I hope all continues to go great for you.”
She replied: Hey!!! It’s been forever!!! Thank you for reaching out and sharing that with me. Ironically, this morning I was thinking about something you said to me years ago, which was…. When shit hits the fan you have to figure out what you are going to do so you don’t spiral.
To which I said: It’s funny you mention that. I still remember (the scenario, not the specifics) when you and I were working through something related to weight loss and I said something that didn’t sit right with you. Megan was the one who tipped her hat that I had upset you which would have never been my intent but sometimes, the words just don’t come the way we want them to. I frequently remind myself of that because, when I think back retrospectively to coaching conversations, I have to ask myself: Did I say that the right way? Did it achieve the right result? Could I have said it better? But as far as the “spiral” goes, it’s interesting because, especially in light of the pandemic, shit totally got weird! And truth be told, I’m still having that same conversation with clients today: What are you going to do when it’s not “perfect”?
K replied: I don’t remember that upsetting me and if it did, it was what I needed to hear. I was so out of sorts back then and trying everything but getting nowhere. The pandemic is actually when I got my shit together, lost about 30 pounds and started working on my mental health. I have definitely learned it’s not about perfect action – it’s messy action. So keep pushing people in that direction, it was what I needed.
And I concluded: Well, suffice to say we’ve both evolved since then. Thank you for the learning opportunity. 🙂
I couldn’t overestimate how much that original scenario with K would inspire and inform many of my coaching sessions afterwards. The “teacher” must always be willing to be the “student” as well.
This week’s article is just a reminder to any of my fellow coaches (including K) that if we’re paying attention, we stand to learn just as much, if not more, than our clients do. And that process not unlike any process of self-improvement, is ever evolving and rarely perfect.
The words we choose make a difference. The actions do, too…
In the final part of our 4-part series together, Sohee Lee and I tackle the topics of diet culture and anti-diet culture. There was so much for us to sift through in this episode and we both did our best to present both sides of the coin in the most respectful way possible. As one could imagine, there are pros and cons to both stances and we used our time together in the last of the series to try and break it all down.
Answer this: What makes you feel better about yourself?
-Is it a new outfit?
-Is it putting on makeup?
-Is it a pedicure/manicure?
-Is it a new haircut?
-Is it more frequent/spontaneous/adventurous intimacy?
How can you do more of what makes you feel better?
When will you start?
Each week (sometimes each day), I get into some fairly personal conversations with my clients. To be honest, I feel like that’s when I learn the most about what makes them tick. I get to step outside of conversations about calories and exercise and peel back the layers of what happens outside of the four walls of RevFit in the lives of my clients.
A recent conversation with a client brought something to my attention that I wanted to expand on this week with you.
My client made note of something with her spouse. That when they were more intimate together, the mood in the house seemed to lift up and when moods were better, they ate better too. It might seem strange to correlate a sex life to how we eat but when we feel better about ourselves we tend to reflect that in other areas of our life as well.
Take a moment and think about any time you may have turned to food when you didn’t feel good about yourself or you were in a difficult/tense time with a loved one. Maybe you didn’t feel appreciated or respected or you simply hadn’t had the same frequency of romance/intimacy/chemistry as before.
Several months ago, my wife was heading to the mall to pick up a few new articles of clothing. After having Sebastian and committing herself to a consistent training regimen, her body (as most moms can relate to) changed after having a baby.
Despite the fact that she can claim her body weight is lower than it was when Sebastian was conceived, the shift in focus on her body from say “smaller” to “stronger” resulted in a body that looks different than it used to. So, certain clothes don’t fit the way they used to even though she’s within a range of weight that theoretically they should fit.
When she got to the mall, she sent me a text and asked: Is there anything in particular you think I should be looking for?
And my response: Anything that makes you feel beautiful.
I’ll come back to that.
Several years ago, I read a book that many others have probably read (or at least have heard of): The Life Changing Magic Of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo. It inspired me to look through my closet and start removing articles of clothing that no longer “brought me joy”. I’ve always loved clothes and I used to spend a considerable amount of money increasing the amount of apparel options I had in my closet.
However, after reading Kondo’s book, I realized that a lot of my closet didn’t make me feel like my best self. The clothes “fit” in a manner of speaking but I didn’t always feel good about myself with what I was wearing.
So, I gathered up several trash bags worth of clothing: socks, belts, pants, shirts, coats, shoes, etc. and donated them. If I could look at the article of clothing and either claim that I hadn’t worn it in a while or that I didn’t feel good walking out of the house with it on, I got rid of it.
It was a strange feeling after doing so because I ended up with a closet that had reduced in size by nearly half, however, what I was left with was clothing that I knew made me feel good about myself. The fit was appropriate, the color worked for me, and, in some cases, it was an article of clothing that I liked enough to have it tailored to fit me better if need be.
More recently, I’ve been taking more of my non-gym apparel to the dry cleaners because I like the look and feel of a fresh-pressed shirt (no starch, please).
Nowadays, I’ll routinely remove things from my closet if I haven’t worn them in a while and donate them as well. I only buy a handful of new things each year (aside from what I purchase to wear at RevFit), and I typically will get rid of 1-2 pieces of clothing if I add something new.
As a result, I may not have as many options to pick from, but I walk out of the house feeling pretty okay with myself (I’ve never been overflowing with self-esteem).
My wife, by comparison, has enough clothing to open up a boutique consignment shop. I’m not even sure what I would do with myself if I had that many options. Of course, in fairness, she probably thinks the same thing about my book or my record collection…we all have our something…
But I meant what I said when my wife was at the mall that day and I wanted to relay part of the sentiment to you this week.
My wife is more beautiful now than she was when we met nearly 12 years ago, and she was really beautiful then, too.
Part of that comes from how our relationship and marriage has evolved and changed over the years. We’ve both spent periods of that time not feeling good about ourselves and in some way projecting that into our relationship. This has a tendency to cascade into how we dress, how we carry ourselves, how we eat, how or if we are intimate together. It’s funny how that can happen.
I should also add that beauty is not defined by your shape or size. You can feel beautiful as you are now and still feel as if there are areas you’d like to improve. Suffice to say, beauty is not synonymous with the number on the scale (even though we sometimes think otherwise).
If I leave you with anything of value this week, I’d like it to be this:
-Dress in a way that makes you feel beautiful (or handsome, if you prefer)
-Eat in a way that makes you feel healthy and full of energy
-Train in a way that leaves you empowered and ready to conquer the next task in your day
-Sleep in a way that you’re prepared for whatever the next day throws at you
-Love in a way that you deserve to be loved back (this includes learning how to love yourself)
Below is a picture of Marissa and I from a recent trip on the bourbon trail in Kentucky. There’s a lot of beauty in this picture (but most of it comes from how we treat each other and better yet, how we treat ourselves).
In part 3 of our 4-part series together, Sohee Lee and I turn our attention in this episode to diet troubleshoots. Tune in to hear our take on:
-Taking in information versus acting on it -Underreporting calories -Areas of the diet that are easily overlooked -Weekend splurges -Considerations for energy output and how it affects intake -Family dynamics -Food environment -Maintenance breaks and more
I write this article in the year which marks ten since I lost my own father to cancer. He was, and remains, the greatest man, and almost by default, the greatest father in the world.
I regret that I cannot and have not been that great as a father to you.
Let me try to explain…
I spent 35 years of my life watching the man I called “Dad” be everything in the world to me, to my mother and to everyone who ever experienced him. I didn’t always agree with what he did or how he did it, but he was rarely wrong and I didn’t fully appreciate that until I was well out of my 20s.
I wish I could tell you that a “good raising” results in a good person. But, sometimes bad things happen to good people and sometimes, good people do bad things. I can assure you, I’ve had my fair share of both.
I do think that time has taught me to be better, in all ways, but not without my flaws. One of the most significant of which, has been that I’ve rarely known how to relate to you.
Something bad happened to me when I was a child and even as an adult, I struggle with the effects of that. It took therapy, it took years of self-destruction, and it took people more patient than I to help me through it.
If I have succeeded at anything thus far in life, it’s that neither of you have suffered in that way. To wit, if I have anything to do with it, no one will ever lay a harmful hand on either of you. You are my sons and I’ll do all I can to protect you from what I went through.
It was those events, that in some manner of speaking, forced me to forget or black out most of my childhood. I remember very little. Sadly, when my mother, your “Mula” asks me if I remember certain events from when I was around the age of either of you, I just don’t remember much at all. It’s sad, really. I want to remember what being a child was like so that I can give you some of the fonder memories simply because I did have happy moments as a child, I just don’t recall them. Trauma has a way of making us forget a lot…
To Jackson, my first:
You may never be able to read and comprehend these words but you were born into a marriage that was on its last legs. Your mother and I just were not equipped to continue our relationship further. We didn’t know when we split that you would eventually be diagnosed with autism and while it likely would not have changed the trajectory of our relationship, it did make us want to be better people for you. I have always and will always credit your mother for being the more mature of us both when things went south and remind me, that from here on out, we would always do what’s best for you. She has been a tremendous mother and she has sacrificed a great deal to give you the very best life that you could have. As a result, you are the sweetest, kindest, happiest and most beautiful boy we could have asked for. I will speak for us both in saying, I truly believe you got our best parts. While you may not remember him very well, because you were only three when he passed away, your Opa loved you so very much. He would be so proud of the young man you are today. I am still shocked to tell people that I now have a teenager. Your mother and I love you so very much and you make being a parent a gift every day.
To Sebastian, my last gift to this world:
I have a life with you that I never had with Jackson. I get to be an active, daily part of your life. I get to see you every night when I come home from work. And while we both might be tired from a day of activity/work, I get to hear your sweet voice each night as you head up to your bedroom to say: “Night, night, Dada. I love you.” And it is one of my favorite parts of any day, hearing you say those words to me. You don’t understand this now but you will always, always have to be a support for Jackson. You’re beginning to grasp that Jackson is not quite like you. This will never be a bad thing. You both have this amazing ability to light up any room that you walk into with these magnetizing smiles and bright eyes. Like Jackson’s mother, your mother has done so much to make sure you that you evolve and mature into a talented, charismatic and intelligent little boy. Because I’ve seen it firsthand, I know how hard your mother has worked to give you every opportunity in the world any boy could ask for. We have both tried to work on loving each other and displaying that love in ways that you can grow up in a home as loving and nurturing as the one I grew up in. We love you Sebastian, thank you for making our home brighter and our family bonds tighter each day.
To you both:
Take care of one another. My very best accomplishments, as a man, and as a father, have been to make myself better so that I can, in turn, help make you better. Everything I do for you in this world is to keep you safe, keep you happy, teach you to be better men than anything I was and to protect you from roads I chose to travel. Your Opa saw me through some very dark days and no father should ever have to see his son go through those things, in this life or the next. Some day, I will be able to share stories that help you make better decisions in your own life: to cherish your family, to work hard for yourself and your family, and to make the world a better place to live. This is not an easy world to live in and the things you will value most will take hard work to appreciate. This is okay. Work hard, take nothing for granted.
It is through you both that I am slowly learning how to be the man my own father wished me to be, that he was stolen from this world before he could view it all is a tragedy I can’t adequately express. I know he’s watching over all of us from a better place and a place where he no longer feels pain.
I will always, always try to be the father you both deserve because as the adage goes: you can’t pick your parents. But your parents can always work harder to show you the love, the attention and the life you both deserve to have.
In the second part of our 4-part series together, Sohee Lee is back with another episode tailored more to our fellow coaches. We talk about content creation this week. Sohee has the perspective of the online coach with a very large following and her thoughts on what platforms and what types of posts she feels perform best for her and appropriately target her demographic. I offer my thoughts on content creation from the viewpoint of primarily brick-and-mortar marketing and helps me attract and retain my target demographic. If you’re looking for insight as a fellow coach, you’ll want to dive in.
Shout out to Martin MacDonald and the staff of Mac-Nutrition UNI for introducing me to this handy little tool. While they may not have been the ones to create it, I’ve been using it a lot for many of my client consultations. A 24-hour food recall won’t help every client (I’ve been hard-pressed to find anything that serves everyone equally) but it can be helpful if you’re trying to make some small changes for possibly big results in your diet.
This is also the first blog of it’s kind I’ve ever written. What I mean by that, is that I want you to interact with me regarding your responses. You can comment below this article if you’d like, comment on Facebook or Instagram where it will be posted, or you can email me directly at jason@revfittherapy.com
On the day I’m writing this, my diet has been abnormal. I figured this would be as good a day as any to post my own 24-hour recall so that you can put yourself in my shoes and do some investigative work. Much like being able to offer great relationship advice to a friend and not always being aware of your own misgivings in your relationships, you might find that by looking at my day of eating (as uncharacteristic as it is), that you could give me some tips if I wanted to lose weight.
For the record, I’m not trying to lose any weight (have you seen me lately? I need every damn calorie I can get!) However, what I’d like you to do is “assume” that weight loss, any amount of weight loss is my goal.
Assume as well that I am, as of now, unwilling to change my dietary style. So, we can pretend that I eat this way every day and I just want to drop some pounds without making a 180 degree dietary turn.
Intentionally, I will be posting quantities of the foods I ate with some margin of error and I won’t be giving you much detail when it comes to actual serving size or where the food came from.
Breakfast
2 cups coffee black
2 eggs
4 slices of bacon
2 thick cuts of turkey breast
Snack
1 Vanilla pudding
Lunch
4 pieces of fried chicken (breast (2), leg, wing)
1 buttermilk biscuit
Dinner
Baja Fish Taco Bowl (cod, radishes, slaw, Mexican mayo, cilantro, cucumber, avocado, black beans)
After Dinner
Bourbon
1 piece dark chocolate
And there you have it. One weekend day of eating that does not fit my norm but I consumed it. Now, what would youchange about my day if I told you I wanted to eat basically the same way (style of eating) BUT I also want to drop some pounds?
Bonus Points if you can send me your 24-hour recall and offer the same suggestions for yourself.
Dieting doesn’t have to be difficult and you can still eat basically the same way you like (with some degree of compromise).
Sohee Lee makes her triumphant return to join me in the next 4-part series of the show. Longtime listeners may remember her first episode with me way back at #77 in August of 2017. It has shockingly been that long since I circled back to get Sohee back on the show. Fortunately, this miniseries makes up for a lot of lost time. In this episode, we cover what we feel to be many of the basics that fellow trainers would need to get started as online coaches. You’ll hear our thoughts on touchpoint expectations, the importance of video calls, setting boundaries between the coach and client in the online realm, scarcity marketing, pricing and much more.
The majority of the clients who come to my door at RevFit are coming for weight loss. Maybe they’ve heard about my coaching style or they’ve seen the results of my clients or they just did a random local Google search and came across our website to find out more.
The problem (and this will always be a problem) is that weight loss is more than just numbers. It’s more than meal plans, it’s more than mental readiness, it’s more than willpower, it’s more than simply the “desire” to lose weight.
Inherently, dieting is a stressor. It also requires disruption in the status quo. No matter who you are, how old you are, what gender you are and what unique characteristics you bring to the table, what led to you gaining weight requires effort (often conscious, sometimes unconscious) that will change the way that your life and your relationship with food operates.
The older you are, the more diets you’ve tried, and the more calloused of an opinion you’ve developed about dieting, the more difficult it may be to see the results you’re seeking.
Not to mention, the legitimate, clinical disorders around eating (binge eating, anorexia, orthorexia, etc.) which can also complicate the path to the goal.
Recently, a client of mine shared a meme in one of my closed communities expressing the sentiment that I used to title this week’s article (Thanks, M!)
So, my goal this week is to do my damnedest to unpack this one. If you share the feelings of my client, and you really want to lose weight but you really don’t want to “do the thing” and that frustrates the bejesus out of you, you’ll want to read on.
If you can spend some time focusing on these areas of life, not directly related to weight loss per se, you might invariably find yourself in a place where wanting to lose weight and actually taking the steps towards doing so aren’t as difficult to do.
Get comfy, this won’t be a short read.
Maybe Now Is Not A Good Time
This is a very simple, albeit temporary pass that even though you want fat loss, that when you take stock of all the things happening in your life right now, you actually would be putting yourself at a disadvantage to try losing weight. For instance, maybe you’re a caretaker for an elderly/sick relative. In addition, you might be a parent, spouse, full/part-time employee and you just can’t manage another task on your plate. This is not only okay, it’s 100% normal. The question to ask yourself is: If not now, when? The answer depends on how you’re currently handling the stress that’s on your plate. Let’s face it, the responsibilities of just being a parent, a spouse, a caretaker or an employee can be monumental all on their own. Learning how to meal prep, staying in a calorie deficit, fitting in an exercise regimen and getting consistent sleep might just be more than you can handle (for now). If you don’t see your status as parent/spouse/employee/caretaker changing anytime soon, ask yourself if there is a better time in the foreseeable future that you can revisit your weight loss goals and start implementing the steps it takes to get there. The fact of the matter is that we ALL have stress and some of that stress is good, healthy stress and some is absolutely life-altering negative stress. How YOU react to that stress day in-day out, week in-week out, is what determines your success rate. If now is not a good time to focus on weight loss (but you still want to lose it) cut yourself some slack and look at what you are currently trying to manage. If you see a light at the end of the tunnel, make a commitment to yourself to revisit your weight loss goals then.
You Have Unrealistic Weight Loss Goals/Timelines
Often, I find clients have these hard set numbers about how much weight they want to lose and how long they think it should take to get there. The numbers are arbitrary and while they may have emotional weight to them, a client might not realize what they will have to sacrifice/compromise and for how long to actually obtain those numbers. Let’s assume you have 50 pounds to lose. Let’s also assume that due to life stressors (see the point I mentioned above) you gained that weight steadily over a period of 3 years. How long do you believe it should take you to lose it? 6 months, 12 months, 3 years? Here’s the answer: it could be any of those (but you should consider the reality it might be longer than you want it to be). A more helpful (and realistic approach) would be to look at what you can change immediately that will net you a short-term weight loss result. In other words, what could you change in your diet and lifestyle that would result in say, 2 pounds of weight loss in the next week or two? Once you’ve determined that, can you replicate those behaviors for the next week or two? Now, let’s extrapolate that. If you can lose 2 pounds this week, by making some reasonable changes to your diet, you’d be (theoretically) at your goal weight in 25 weeks (approximately 6 months). If we slow down that rate of loss and say that you can only realistically lose 1 pound a week, you would be at your goal weight in less than a year. A tactic would be to “forget” that you have 50 pounds to lose and just see what changes you can make where you continue to whittle away, 1-2 pounds/week without doing something obnoxious and unsustainable with your diet. Due to our collectively annoying habit of wanting big, sweeping dramatic results rightthisverysecond, I’ve seen clients do fantastically bizarre things with their diets just to say they lost 5 pounds in a week only to gain it back two weeks later because (SURPRISE!) that Grapefruit/Detox/Cleanse/Colon Flush was not a sustainable plan! Add some sanity back to your plan and be ready (but willing) to accept slower weight loss as long as the scale is trending over time. Note: as you lose weight, a “smaller” you requires fewer calories. If your weight loss stalls, you may have to keep looking at areas in your diet and training to make progress on.
You Might Need Therapy (And/Or A Change In Medication)
Here’s a hard truth: many of my clients are in a place where they need to lose weight because food is their only (or main) coping mechanism for stress. As an extension of that, some of my weight loss clients actually eat well (respective of their goals) but they consume too many liquid calories. This could be defined as sugary drinks, too much creamer/sugar in their coffee/tea, calorie laden energy drinks/juice, or alcohol. Consider talking to a therapist about other outlets which might benefit you so that food/drink are not the kneejerk response to everything good (or bad) happening in your life. Food can be love and food can be joy and food should be celebrated but a sentiment I shared with my community and on a recent podcast was that “not every problem requires a food solution”. In addition, if you are currently on medication for things like depression, anxiety, ADD/ADHD, etc. you may need to consider that some of those medications can raise your hunger signals. So, even though you may “want” to lose weight and you believe you’re “eating right”, the medication itself may be influencing how and how much you eat. Fortunately, there are many alternatives which could have a “weight neutral” or “weight loss” effect by comparison. One of my favorite books on this subject with an excellent reference section at the end of it is The Fat Loss Prescription by Dr. Spencer Nadolsky. You may find that a change in medication or an outsider’s perspective on your coping skills can be the solution you need so that weight loss is not as elusive.
You Eat Well During The Week And The Wheels Come Off On The Weekends
Oh, if I had a dollar for every client who “eats well” Monday through Friday and then spikes on either Friday night, Saturday, Sunday or all three…well, I wouldn’t be able to retire but I’d have a lot of dollars! Here’s the thing: for a lot of people, eating appropriate to their goals through the work week is easy, it’s predictable and it’s not fraught with resistance. What happens, more often than not, is that by time they get to the end of their week, they are tired, they are stressed, they don’t want to prepare a home-cooked meal, and they believe that the “reward” for another week of survival is a night or two or three of dietary debauchery. I’ve seen two very stark, very real realities with this. One, is the person who eats “well” all week, has one night/day of a cheat/splurge and undoes a week of positive effort. I see this happen more with women than with men (some exception). The other, is the person who has the same “good” week and takes the same cheat/splurge, gets a case of the ohfuckits and then just cuts loose the rest of the weekend and proclaims: I’ll start again on Monday. The problem is, Monday comes around and by time the weekend is here again, it’s basically the same rehash as the previous week. To change this, start proactively planning your weekend eating. This obstacle is so common that I heard another fat loss coach recently say that (in his experience) Saturday was the worst day of the week to diet. If that seems to be the general consensus, determine how YOU will make Saturdays different so that you don’t succumb to the statistic. I should also mention that you DO deserve a social life however, how you strategize that social life is key. Want a quick tip (albeit not one that I’ll gain new fans on)? Eliminate/reduce cheese and alcohol. Do with that tip what you wish…
Oh, About The Alcohol…
My wife and I are both bourbon drinkers. Being very frank, we have bourbon each night. How are we able to keep our bodies at a maintenance weight while still imbibing? Easy: I measure the pours. And no, we don’t hit the cardio hard the next day or next week to beat the calories off ourselves. There is a caveat to this (as there is with nearly every tip I could give you). We rarely ever go over the portion of the drink. Referencing the tip I gave just above, when are my clients most likely to overdo the alcohol? On the weekends. And what typically happens when they drink? They eat (often with absolutely no regard for portions, quality of food or the additional alcohol they will consume after eating food to absorb the alcohol). Funny how that cycle works! You’ll want to ask yourself (or a trusted loved one) what the reality is of your alcohol consumption. Warning: be prepared for an answer you don’t want to hear. Alcohol is so delicately intertwined into our society that it can be hard to distance ourselves from it. As I mentioned in a previous point, some clients actually have their food dialed in quite well, it’s the drinking that throws them off the path. Ask yourself if you need to temporarily (or permanently) abstain from alcohol OR see if someone can measure your servings for you. One of the toughest things about this is 1) the choice of alcohol 2) who we typically drink with. I’ll address point 1 first. When you buy a 6-pack of beer, you crack one open and you finish the bottle. You then elect to go through that process again: throw the empty away, retrieve another, crack it open and repeat. However, it does require a process and some effort. Wine, is a decidedly different story. Most wine doesn’t taste as good the night after it’s been opened (unless you have a very fancy corking process that reduces oxidation). So, that opened bottle is easy access to continue working at until the bottle is gone. How does liquor differ? Well, for one, it’s much higher alcohol content than wine or beer, so if you drink for a given feeling (say a buzz or a drunk), you’re going to get there much faster by comparison. In doing so, you’re making a judgment call on if you want to push the envelope for another pour. For a quick reference: 12 oz of non-craft beer is about 100 calories (craft beer is typically 2-3x that amount of calories for the same size), 4 oz of wine is about 100 calories, 1.5 oz of liquor is about 100 calories. Several of my clients go through periodic bouts of sobriety or “drying up” as a way to control their daily calorie intake. It also bears mention, that depending on the person, while alcohol may help you fall asleep, it can actually contribute to a lack of quality, well-rested sleep.
Yeah, We Need To Talk About Sleep, Too
If you’ve been reading through my articles for awhile, you’ve seen a lot of recurring themes: support systems, therapy, eating appropriate to your goals, and sleep hygiene. There’s a reason for that. Number one, I never know when/how/who someone will be reading my work and the message will have a degree of consistency to it. Number two, sometimes we aren’t ready for some bits of information until the time is right (or stars aligned if you’re into that kind of thing). Number three, sometimes we just need a reminder/refresher before we say “Oh yeah! That part of my life has been slipping!” So, here’s the deal. You need quality, restful sleep. It’s not a question of if, it’s my professional suggestion that you make it a non-negotiable. That means, your family needs to be “in the know” as well. Some very general tips: cut off caffeine consumption by noon (unless you work third shift), limit alcohol intake (see the point above), use the bedroom only for sex and sleep, get the room as dark as humanly possible, get the environment as quiet as possible (unless you sleep better with a sound machine/ambience), keep the temperature “cooler” as opposed to warmer, and turn off all electronics 30-45 minutes before bed. If you have chronically poor sleep (or if your snoring is disruptive enough to others that they can’t sleep), please consider consulting a sleep lab to see if you have sleep apnea. In many cases, weight loss can reverse sleep apnea (this is not direct medical advice, consult your sleep lab tech/representative for more accurate information). Ultimately, your ability to get quality sleep has a direct correlation to your next day’s eating behavior. If you’re suffering from poor sleep, there is a very good chance that you are overdoing it on caffeine/sugar the next day and dealing with one crash after another. If you find that you can’t control your cravings for hyper-palatable foods that are way too easy to overeat, sleep may be the culprit. Myself personally, I normally take 1mg of melatonin each night but this does NOT work every single night and some people may either be non-responders or hypersensitive to this. While this isn’t a general rule…having sex before bedtime might help you sleep better too. You’re welcome!
Your Default Response To Dieting Is Too Restrictive
It’s not uncommon to see dieting behavior that is cringe-worthy at best. People have a tendency to get so frustrated with the scale and so impatient with their progress that they result to methods which I wouldn’t even ask my enemies to try (thankfully, I don’t have a lot of enemies). However, if you alternate from your “standard diet” (aka the one that led to the weight gain) to something that is 180 degrees different, you’re begging for trouble. Actually, let me rephrase that: you’re begging for a rebound. I don’t know a soul on this planet who embarks on a diet with the goal of: I really want to lose this weight just so I can regain it all back (and then some!) The reality is something not far off, though. I recently sat down with a client who is trying to embark on a healthier diet. They also had identified not only binge-eating episodes but they are also on anxiety medications because of a delicate combination of stress around food and low self-esteem. A recent conversation went like this:
Me: How do you eat on the weekends?
Client: Like crap.
Me: Can you be more specific?
Client: Well, we’re typically on the go and we end up going through a drive-thru and getting fast food which isn’t good.
Me: Where do you usually go?
Client: McDonald’s or something similar, also Chipotle.
Me: Cool. Can you tell me what you typically order from McDonald’s?
Client: Sure. A double quarter pounder with cheese, a large fry and a large Coke.
Me: Sounds good. Do you mind if I pull up the calories on those? I want to try something with you.
Client: Sure, no problem.
Me: Okay, the burger is about 750 calories, the fries are about 450 calories and the drink is about 300 calories. If you were to make a healthier choice, what would you change?
Client: Well, maybe I would grab a water rather than the Coke.
Me: Awesome! I think that’s a great choice, it’s a really easy way to remove 300 calories from the day. Would you do anything else?
Client: Maybe get a single quarter pounder as opposed to a double?
Me: That’s not a bad idea, however, I’d love for you to keep your protein high. What if you reduced or removed the fries? Is that reasonable?
Client: Yeah, I could do that.
Me: Great. Just remember, we’re not focusing on food virtues here. I want to try and help you shift the thinking about “good food” versus “bad food”. We’re just looking for ways to reduce calories without making you feel too deprived or that you’re not making a positive, progressive step. Now, how about we look at Chipotle. What do you typically order?
Client: I usually get a bowl: black beans, brown rice, corn salsa, double chicken, cheese and sour cream.
Me: Do you order chips?
Client: No, not usually.
Me: Okay, how would you improve it?
Client: Take off the cheese and sour cream?
Me: I think that’s a great choice. It’s a super easy way to cut back 200-300 calories. Would you change anything else?
Client: Does corn salsa have a lot of calories?
Me: It does not. I think you’re good with that. Can I make a suggestion?
Client: Sure!
Me: Make a choice between brown rice OR black beans, maybe not both. There’s nothing wrong with either, we’re just trying to make small reductions. If it were me, I’d pick the black beans because you get more protein and fiber there. Ultimately, it’s your choice because you might have a taste for one over another.
Client: That makes sense. I can do that!
I use this example for a few reasons. 1) I don’t want to completely alter the style of my client’s diet. I want to illustrate choices that result in caloric reduction but also allow a client to live their life. 2) I want my client to feel empowered (but educated) on decisions that can influence the direction of the scale. 3) I don’t make food judgments, EVER. There is no inherently good or bad food. There are the foods we can moderate the amount of and foods we have less control over (which might cause overconsumption). This does not include foods that individuals have a legitimate allergic reaction to.
I also want to note that I’m not trying to take someone who could realistically lose weight on, say, 2500 calories and tell them they need to eat something closer to 1500 just to get to the goal faster. That’s a recipe for disaster and lack of adherence.
The Comparison Trap Is Killing Your Progress
One of the upsides/downsides to being in this industry is my presence and involvement in social media. Facebook is my platform of choice and, all too often, I see a comparison trap that drives me insane. It goes something like this: How does he/she get to eat all those calories and gets to look like that? I have to eat (something much lower) and I’ll never have that body! Dear reader, you can add this to all the things in life which are undoubtedly “unfair”. The tough thing with social media is that people can post any damn thing they please and it’s to be accepted without context or validation of truth. Assume for a moment that you saw a picture of me shirtless. I have visible abs, visible muscle definition and if all you had was a picture to go by, you could make assumptions of how tall I am, how old I am, how much I weigh, how often I work out, how active I am, how genetically “gifted” you think I am, etc. etc. The reality of all those assumptions would be that you’re probably wrong about all of them. If I really wanted to mess with you, since we can create any picture we want on social media, is that I could give you any calorie/macro goal to shoot for (as if it were my own), I could overestimate how much (or how little) I train, and if I really wanted to be a dick about it, I could pour some extra salt in the wound by telling you: if you want it bad enough, you’ll be willing to work for it. *puke* One huge place where I see clients get completely derailed is by gauging their calories, their rate of weight loss, their ability to increase strength or see definition and stick it alongside the efforts/results of someone else. This is a HUGE, HUGE mistake. I can’t even accurately compare two people of the same gender, weight, and age and determine rate of progress. There are just too many unknowns and variables that will ultimately result in different outcomes. My best advice to you is to focus on you. Be inspired by the efforts of others, sure. But, truly, let YOUR progress and YOUR efforts determine the path you’ll follow. When you hear the adage that you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors, the person you’re comparing against may be struggling with something that the gym (or the mirror, or the camera) cannot divulge. Focus on what you CAN control and influence and have measuring sticks for how the data is quantitatively working in your favor.
You Have A Support System. A Very Faulty, Unreliable Support System.
Try this: Ask yourself who the 5 people in your life are that you spend the most time with. Make the list. Now, ask yourself if their goals are the same as yours. Let’s assume weight loss is that goal. Are all of those 5 people actively trying to lose as well? If so, are they succeeding? If not, how do they actively (and accurately) support your goals of weight loss? Do they help you with grocery shopping, do they help with meal prep, do they emotionally help when you are feeling weak and vulnerable and more susceptible to dietary indiscretions? Do they know the words/terms/phrases to say that help you feel empowered and driven to succeed? On the weekends (when things have greater potential to go awry), do they help you make choices that align with your goals or do they offer foods/activities that ultimately sabotage your efforts? If this circle of 5 is not as supportive as you might need them to be, can YOU help them understand how to better help you OR who else can you elect to be an advocate/support for your goals? Word of note: this might be the MOST beneficial exercise you do if you answer openly, honestly and do the work.
Burning The Victim Card
“I’d lose weight if it wasn’t for my (insert friend/loved one here)!” Like the comparison trap, and as alluded to in the support system point, blaming your success directly and completely on the influence of someone else is a minefield. I will say this: You determine how you react to the actions of those around you. However, the influence of others is a true problem. If you find that the same people are routinely sabotaging your efforts for success, you have to come to the conclusion that their actions may not change but your reactions to them must (if you want to succeed). You are not a victim in the weight loss game, you are simply a player. Whether you want weight loss to be a game of checkers or chess depends on your perspective. Stated more clearly, and to revisit my thoughts on support systems, you have to be willing and able to have sensitive, uncomfortable and often heated conversations with those closest to you so that they are clear about the areas in your life where you are most susceptible to their influence. I’ll use alcohol consumption as an example. If you are trying to sober up for an undetermined/pre-determined amount of time, who is most likely to sabotage you? How do you plan to change that? What conversations will you have with that person so that they know how to be more supportive? What events/occasions will you be most likely to be vulnerable around where alcohol will be present? Now, flip the circumstances and assume that certain foods in your diet are just as difficult to navigate as alcohol might be for another. When you play the victim card, you relinquish your power over your efforts (and your results).
Curate For Success
I’ll finish with this and it’s a point I’ve made before. You may or may not be aware of the influence that social media, email correspondence, commercials, advertisements and journalism have on how you treat your body. Now may be a time that you need to go through your social media channels and unfollow people who don’t make you feel better about yourself. Unfollow food pages, recipe blogs and “influencers” who do not have a direct relationship with you and don’t specifically understand how their messaging and posts can have a detrimental effect on you being successful with your diet plan. Unfollow and hide “friends” who have nothing but negative things to say on social media. You might try and make a claim that it’s entertaining (in the same way that watching soul-sucking reality TV is entertaining) but you don’t give enough credit to the fact that other people’s drama can have a negative effect on your psyche and feelings of self-worth. I unfollow/hide every possible person that I can who doesn’t bring me joy/happiness/peace when I see them. I don’t have the time, effort, energy for vampires who take more from me than they leave me with. As an extension of this, stick emails into your spam folder that might be tempting options of savory food and/or recipes so that you’re not inadvertently being influenced when you least expect it.
I’m going to go against the grain of many (not all) of my fellow coaches and reiterate that losing weight, can be a constant, relentless struggle. When done right, it is a short-term endeavor that you are not custom-built for rehashing for decades on end. When you recognize the influence of not only your mind, your environment, your friends/loved ones, and your job, you can start to craft a foundation of influence that better supports your goals. When you can build this foundation (or rather, rebuild it) you won’t have to worry about things like willpower and motivation because the factors that contribute to their limited value won’t speak as loudly in your life.
I conclude this excellent 4-part series with Dr. Stuart Phillips with this week’s episode. This time, we discuss how protein is potentially associated with the acid-ash hypothesis, kidney failure, correlations with cancer and the potential roles it can and has played with COVID-19. A very special thanks again to Dr. Stuart for partaking in the series with me. Stay tuned next week for an all new 4-part series.
Jason Leenaarts 