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As I write this, I think back to the periods of my life when I was in therapy.

First, it was in my early 20s, prior to the start of my decade of heavy drug use, and my life was a chaotic mess.

A decade later, I was back in therapy, for completely different reasons and still in something of a mess.

And in my 40s, I took another tour through therapy: first for a couple of visits after my father passed away and then again a few years ago.

I have remained a staunch advocate of therapy since this most recent turn.

One of the things that I felt I needed was a paternal voice in my ear. Since losing my father, it was a voice I knew I was missing.

Mind you, I still have family members I could turn to who could give me a “piece” of what my Dad would have. However, having great and supportive family members is one thing, having a great therapist is another.

Let me tell you what therapy isn’t for me:

Therapy isn’t having someone browbeat me.

Therapy isn’t having someone spell out the answers for the things that I struggle with.

Therapy isn’t having someone highlight all the things about me that are wrong or faulty.

Rather, therapy is having someone provide that little “nudge”, those small handfuls of questions that stop me in my tracks and make me consider how and why I do the things I do, when those same actions don’t make a lot of sense to me.

And, to be frank, with the things I can account for in my rather colorful life, there are a lot of things I’ve done that needed some explanation.

I went through a spell of about 7-8 months where I wasn’t in therapy most recently and, quite honestly, I’ve missed it.

Every time I was in therapy over the last 20+ years, something bad was always happening and so that became the correlation: therapy = bad things in life to sort through.

This time, it’s different.

It’s a way to unclog my mind.

It’s a way to get someone who “cares” about me who isn’t bound by blood or marriage to do so, who can ask me the questions I can’t ask myself.

And what I’ve learned over the last decade and a half of coaching others, is that a LOT of people probably need a therapist too.

If they’d make that happen, they’d probably find that their diet plans go better.

Or that their self-image invariably improves.

Or they’ll leave one toxic job or relationship for something healthier.

Therapy, for me, has become another part of my life no different than strength training for my body, cardiovascular work for my heart and mind, good nutrition to fuel everything I do and there doesn’t seem to be any reason to exclude it.

A person might ask themselves: Why would I need therapy?

And my response: Why wouldn’t you?

When the light comes on in your car for an oil change, you don’t wait until the engine starts smoking and 3 of 4 tires have gone flat, you get your oil changed because you value the life of the car and you don’t want to be left high and dry.

Doesn’t your brain deserve the same consideration? You live there ALL DAY.

And, somewhat selfishly, I think more men need to be in therapy.

I feel there is way too much men will cover up and assume that they can sort through without help and it’s to the detriment of the men who are drowning and pleading for help.

So, that’s a crusade I’ll go on.

This time, being back in therapy is refreshing. It doesn’t feel daunting because I’m not trying to “fix” anything. I just know that the best I can be for me is a better me for everyone who’s around.

And I’d like to keep all of those people around me.

Sebastian (aka The Dude) turns 5 this week.

It’s hard for me to express what the journey from 4 to 5 actually has been like.

However, I’ll let you in on some parenting wins that have certainly made our favorite preschooler an entertaining part of the household.

I can think back to Sebastian when he could barely speak and I’d be opening his ear drums up to all manner of rock, punk, metal, etc.

So much so, that if it was naptime and I had him in his car seat to drift off, I could have some obnoxiously aggressive music playing and he’d be fast asleep in no time.

Over the last couple of years, his use of YouTube exposed him not just to the music I listen to but he came across older bands like Journey, Twisted Sister, Van Halen and more which he also enjoyed.

As I write this, we are preparing to surprise him with tickets to his first “big boy” concert in seeing Journey live this weekend…I know, I know, it’s not Steve Perry but he does happen to like both Steve and Arnel (the fella handling vocal duties for the band now).

Surprisingly, despite the fact that I used to sing in bands and his mother is an accomplished vocalist in her own right, Sebastian has never sung around us. We have caught him humming songs from time to time but no outright singing.

That was until about a month ago when Sebastian, my wife and my in-laws were at a July 4th party and the karaoke machine came out.

Sebastian decided he wanted to be in the spotlight.

When my wife asked him what song he wanted to sing, his response was “Enter Sandman” by Metallica.

And to the astonishment of friends and family, Sebastian held the mic, waited for the cue from the karaoke host and did his best rendition of the song (although it’s up in the air how many of the lyrics he actually knew!)

Nevertheless, it was a hit and we promptly put it up on social media so we could share the moment with others.

Since then, Sebastian is notorious for getting in my car and saying: “Dada, play something loud” or coming into RevFit despite the fact that there is a room full of clients training and asking: “Dada, can you play Pantera?”

And believe me, parent to parent, I’m proud as punch.

While he would never in a million years get this (in)formal music education from his mother, we do try to give him exposure to a lot of different styles of music.

He loves his electric guitar, he loves his drums, he loves science experiments, he loves fireworks, he loves electronics, he is apparently allergic to the word “No” and he loves throwing nuclear meltdowns.

For the record, his mother and I aren’t fond of the meltdowns but we try and work through it…

All in all, Sebastian is our favorite 5-year old. When he isn’t in meltdown mode or banging his head to Machine Head’s “Davidian” (another classic moment we caught on video), he is happy, he is loving, he still adores his big brother Jackson and I think he’s going to have a very good birthday.

To our head banging, hell raising child…Sebastian, we love you. Happy Birthday, Dude.

-If you want to eat hyper-palatable foods, portion out the serving size into small Ziploc baggies. For instance, if a serving size of crackers, chips, nuts, trail mix, etc. is “X”, take the time to portion that amount out into several baggies so you’re less likely to keep going back into the same container. If you don’t want to take the time to do this, see if someone else in your household will do it for you.

-Always order salad dressing on the side. Practice “spearing” the dressing: dip your fork into the dressing and then pick up as much of your salad as you can.

-When dining out, eat your protein & veggies first and starches last. You may find that filling up on protein and fibrous carbs is more satiating than say, breads, pastas, and rice.

-Consider drinking a little bit of zero calorie seltzer water before consuming a restaurant meal. The carbonation may help reduce how much you consume (Coke, Pepsi, etc. probably will not have this effect). If seltzer isn’t available, try drinking regular water before your meal.

-Don’t discount the value of making a meal swap: grab a protein shake and a small piece of fruit instead of your standard breakfast or lunch.

-If you don’t want to count calories, find TV dinners/frozen entrees that fall in line to 300-600 calories and have at least 20-30g of protein.

-Reduce temptation in your home. You wouldn’t ask a recovering alcoholic to mix drinks at a your birthday party just because you heard they make a mean Manhattan. If you don’t feel in control of certain foods, minimize the exposure you have to them in your home/workplace.

-Routinely ask yourself: what is the least amount of “X” food I can have that will satisfy me? Think about things like desserts, alcohol, etc.

-Sharing food/desserts is a sneaky easy way to reduce your calories. I’ll enjoy a milkshake, a piece of cake, etc a lot more if I share it with my son Sebastian (for instance).

-If you’re currently peri-menopausal or menopausal, foods/alcohol that you used to consume may no longer be tolerable for you. It’s not fair but it may be your reality.

-Get better at saying No. You can do it politely. Having boundaries will take you far with dieting.

-If you are a woman, married to (or in a LTR) with a man, there is a fantastic chance that if you both are dieting, he can eat almost double what you can and not only lose weight but lose weight faster than you. This is also unfair but it’s also very common.

-Be mindful of the food pushers in your life. They are either consciously or unconsciously sabotaging your efforts. It isn’t because they don’t love you or care about you. It’s because the very act of you trying to diet upsets the status quo and some people are very resistant to change.

-I have seen more people than I will ever be able to count screw up their fat loss efforts through liquid calories. This could be alcohol consumption, juice, energy drinks (not zero calorie), dressings, condiments, cooking oils, coffee creamer, etc. If you’re not losing fat, start looking there.

-There is nothing wrong with you if you have trigger foods and your friends or loved ones do not. Stay aware of what those foods are, let the people in your life know what they are and reduce your exposure to them.

-Treat your nutrition coach/RD like you would your accountant/bookkeeper. If I needed help balancing my accounts (income/expenses) and I “forgot” to throw in a couple of credit cards with balances on them, the numbers won’t be right. You may not like how your diet looks but the more honest you are about what’s happening there, the easier your coach can help you.

-Last but not least, you are under NO obligation to lose weight (unless you have a health issue that is directly correlated to your current weight.) At any point, you can stop weight loss or proceed forward. Stay in the driver’s seat.

I love coaching fat loss.

This year will mark my 15th year since I first got certified and I’ve been fascinated by fat loss ever since.

I love seeing how happy clients are when they make progress.

I love being part of their journey to celebrate the scale victories and the non-scale victories (because they both count).

I love when fat loss is easy.

Some clients, I just have to give a little nudge to and off they go.

I love when fat loss is challenging.

Other clients need more TLC, more frequent touchpoints, more reminders that their struggles are normal struggles, that they have the room to make mistakes, to “lose ground”, to eat things that weren’t “part of the plan”.

All of which is what keeps fat loss from ever being boring.

And it’s an interesting dynamic, because often, a coach is taking on a client when they’ve reached a point which implies: “I need you to care more about me than I care about myself to help me succeed.”

It’s a loaded statement.

When you wake up one day and you make the decision to lose whatever amount of weight you feel is necessary, who are you doing that for?

Is it for you?

Completely and totally for you?

Is it because someone influenced your decision to do so? Who is that person? How did they influence it?

Do you want to lose weight to be a role model for your children?

Do you want to lose weight because you had a health scare?

Do you want to lose weight because your joints ache or you have sleep apnea or your clothes don’t fit as you’d like?

And when you’re sad and you’re anxious and you’re stressed and you’re bored, what is the compass that you use to point you in the right direction to your goals?

Here are some thoughts to throw into the mix.

Perhaps you don’t NEED to lose weight.

Or now is a terrible time to try to lose weight.

Maybe you should focus on other areas of your life that need attention like: sleep habits, stress management, water intake, step count and getting in 2-3x/week of strength training.

Maybe you need a therapist.

Maybe you need to get divorced.

Maybe you need to change jobs.

Maybe you need medication(s).

Maybe you need to be nicer to yourself behind closed doors.

Maybe you need new friends.

Maybe you don’t need to try and party at 52 like you did when you were 22.

Maybe you’re actually in really great shape RIGHT NOW and you’re letting a scale rule your life.

There are a host of reasons to lose fat and there are plenty of reasons people tell themselves they need to lose fat that really don’t hold up to scrutiny.

If you think the answer is in willpower, you’re probably wrong.

If you think the answer is in motivation, you’re probably wrong.

If you find that you’re kicking and screaming your way to the next 5 pounds down, maybe fat loss isn’t in the cards for you right now.

So pick a different game to play that you can feel better about.

Frequently take a moment to ask yourself:

Why do I need to lose fat?

What am I willing to do to lose it?

What am I willing to do to keep it off?

Who am I doing this for?

Is it worth it?

If you take the time to write these thoughts out, the picture gets clearer.

Last week, I wrote about the notion of patterns in your behavior.

I wanted to write more about it this week, from a slightly different angle.

A few years ago, I offered up a “challenge” to my clients at RevFit.

It was 30 days of no alcohol, flour or “added” sugar.

In hindsight, I regret doing this.

If I knew then what I know now about eating disorders, I would have never pursued the challenge.

However, this is me “on record”, apologizing.

I am sorry to anyone this challenge may have triggered.

At the time, there was good intention and, I would say that the clients who chose to embark on the challenge likely didn’t suffer any negative outcomes from participating.

What I’ll illustrate, having gone through the challenge myself is what I’d like you to think about with regards to our patterns of behavior.

At the time, my wife and I weren’t drinking exclusively bourbon at night but we were having a beer.

The way our house is set up, I’d pull my car into the garage, walk into the house and through the utility room which would lead into our kitchen.

I’d open the refrigerator door, grab a beer for each of us, pop them open and we’d sit and have dinner.

This pattern was so ingrained into my behavior that when I started the 30 day challenge, I still would walk into the house and go for the refrigerator door before reminding myself that: Oh, yeah…I’m not drinking for the next 30 days.

It took me about 3 days of abstinence before I started to walk past the refrigerator door instead of defaulting to opening it each night when I got home.

Some people are very aware of their patterns. Some are not.

I know that each morning when my alarm goes off, the next 5 minutes of my waking time are almost clockwork exactly the same: from when I grab my coffee, to when I use the restroom, to when I check my phone. It’s all very much a carbon copy of the previous day.

These are the patterns I challenge you to pay attention to.

Within those patterns you may find the times when you are most likely to snack/graze, when you might reach for the second glass of wine, when you wake up in the middle of the night for a snack, when you go for a third cup of coffee instead of grabbing water…

And if you’re not aware that you have patterns, ask someone: Do you see me exhibit any patterns of behavior?

For those of you who read my work looking for fat loss tips, our patterns can show us where we might not be aligned with our goals (or our values).

Take some time to see where your patterns may be holding you back and how you can change them to work for you, not against you.

In the 70s, there was a movement happening in both the U.S. and the U.K. Bands like the Ramones and The Sex Pistols (respectively) were leading the charge with a style of music that was known as much for it’s DIY ethic as it was for how quickly it burned and fizzled out of style.

While neither band can claim to be the “first” punk band, they arrived at a time in music history where much of the music that was popular at the time was everything like the arena rock of Aerosmith, Led Zeppelin and KISS to disco and the progressive rock of Yes, Genesis and Emerson, Lake and Palmer.

Punk music showed audiences that you didn’t have to be overflowing with talent to make catchy music. You could get by with the bare minimum of skill, look the part, and write songs that not only still hold up nearly 50 years later but kept audience members showing up (and starting bands of their own).

While it may never hold the same regard as it once did, the 90s showed a resurgence of punk with updated forms of the genre when bands like Green Day and Blink-182 started to make their mark. It seems every decade brings its own styles of punk to audiences still clamoring to hear it.

It’s in the spirit of the original DIY ethic of punk rock that I write this week’s post about fat loss.

A lot of people looking to drop unwanted weight think that the application of nutrition knowledge and dieting is more complex than what it is. Don’t get me wrong, there is a lot to know about how food interacts with the body and we can have endless discussions on energy balance.

However, this post is for the people who don’t need complicated interventions. They don’t need fancy diet plans, they don’t need macro splits and they don’t really need to know anything about the gut microbiome.

What they need is a very simple, do-it-yourself philosophy for how to get results.

–Find The Pattern: Take a few days to keep an honest, candid journal of what you eat and drink. You don’t need to see the calories or the macro splits. You need to see what you eat and how frequently you eat. You’re trying to spot patterns of eating that may need some attention. For instance, you may notice that you have a tendency to always eat something after dinner. Put your focus into that area and see if the scale starts to shift in the direction you want.

–Examine The Weekends: It’s not uncommon to find dieters who eat in line with their goals during the week and then burn down the house they spent all week building by time Friday-Sunday rolls around. The good news is that most people who do this are actually aware it’s happening, they just need to have a better strategy for weekend luxuries.

–Raise Your Step Count Before You Reduce Your Calories: Most of my clients have sedentary jobs which keeps their butts firmly planted in a seat and in front of a screen for too much of the day. Before you start slashing away at calories, start increasing your step count. You don’t need to sprint or jog (unless you’re into that kind of thing). You just need to move more than you currently do and as often as you can. Once you’ve locked that habit down, if the scale isn’t changing, then you can re-examine caloric intake.

–Have A Sense Of Confidence. One of the most disheartening things I see with individuals trying to lose fat is that they have no sense of confidence in themselves. That could be due to a history of yo-yo dieting, a poor track record of work with other coaches, or perhaps something in their upbringing. No matter what dietary practice you utilize, or what exercise plan you follow, have a simple belief in yourself and your abilities that you can achieve what you want. It may take the help of a coach you trust but the goal is to develop a sense of autonomy on your own.

Fat loss success doesn’t have to be complicated.

In spirit of the DIY approach to punk, you can approach fat loss with the same attitude: be bold, have confidence, and don’t ever think you don’t have what it takes to succeed.

Decades of punk music history can inspire you to think differently.

(With kind credit to Nick Fewings for an excellent photo to coincide with this article.)

I find myself hearing, reading, and using the word “permission” more than usual lately.

So, for all who are trying to lose fat and succeeding, for all who are trying to lose fat and are stuck and for all who are trying to lose fat and are somehow gaining:

You have permission to make mistakes (a lot of them).

You have permission to not always be losing fat.

You have permission to not get your calorie tracking or macro tracking “just right”.

You have permission to not go to the gym.

You have permission to not get in extra steps even though you told your coach you were going to raise your step count.

You have permission to not be absolutely perfect with this process.

You have permission to take fat loss slowly.

You have permission to lose fat quickly.

You have permission to eat the delicious food.

You also have permission to temporarily or permanently take certain foods, occasions, events, alcohol or drugs out of your schedule and repertoire.

You have permission to go on medication to help you lose fat.

You have permission to be angry, frustrated or resentful that much of fat loss is unfair.

Why am I giving you permission?

Because somewhere along the way, many of you learned that dieting is an all-or-nothing adventure and it cannot be further from the truth.

The best gift you can give yourself in this process aside from a genuine desire to be better and to pursue health as you define it, is to be forgiving of yourself.

Fat loss is hard.

Keeping the weight off is hard.

Changing your life and your patterns and your social circles and standing up for yourself and your boundaries is hard.

All I want you to be is the best version of yourself.

It may come quickly and it may take years.

Either timeline is realistic, either timeline is satisfactory.

The goal is to help you move the barriers that are in your way.

I am a guide, I am human and I promise you my diet is not perfect either.

One last thing: you have permission to succeed.

You know that, right?

(This was a post I made in a closed community on social media last week. It has been edited and repurposed for this site).

I’ve had a lot of time over the last 11 years to talk about my father.

Every time I feel like there’s nothing more (or nothing new) to say, I keep thinking losing him will never feel resolved.

This week’s article takes a cue from last week’s, and I have to thank my friend and former client, Grant, for getting my gears spinning this time.

Since my Dad passed in 2011, I’ve been able to watch and learn from other men, other fathers to see how the lead their lives, and, how they exist as patriarchs in their families.

I’ve been inspired by men who lead by an example which states: I’ll give my family the life I never had.

And, I’ve been inspired by men who lead by an example which states: I’m giving my family a life as good as it was for me.

And, I exist somewhere in the middle.

My father did everything well, many things exceptionally well, in a way I’ll never replicate. If he had flaws (and he did) they were sufficiently minor in comparison and hardly worth mention.

As his son and only child, I was benefactor to all the great that he did and I was often too spoiled, too impatient and too self-absorbed to show him what all of his lessons meant to me.

I understood, at all times, that my father worked very hard to provide the life my mother and I were fortunate to share with him. He loved my mother with a love I’ve seldom seen two people share since.

He gave us a wonderful life. One I appreciate more now, than I did when he was here in this world. One of my many regrets.

I have been a father now for over 14 years. Being the parent to a child with special needs forced me to learn skills in parenting that my father never did. Dad passed when Jackson was 3 and I was never able to lean on him to find out how to be the best father I could to Jackson. I just had to learn “on the fly” and do the best as most any parent could for their child.

Of course, Dad never had the privilege of meeting Sebastian. I’m sure he probably would see elements of me at his age to remind me: You know, Jay, you were like that too back then.

Despite all the love and attention my parents gave me, things I’d never wish on another happened to me. No parent can adequately prepare their child for how to handle sexual abuse. Even as a survivor, all I can do is try and protect my boys; that no one should ever harm them the way that I was.

Those lessons live elsewhere on this site.

I’m 46 years old as I write these words and I can say confidently to both of my boys:

I love you more than you’ll ever know.

I work hard, and I work long hours, because I want you to see there is value in doing both. Someday, perhaps you’ll put in the same time and effort for yourselves and, where it applies, for your families.

I will teach you everything I can about the good things I’ve done, as well as the not-so-good things I’ve done, because I want to teach you the importance of not only life when it’s easy, but life when it is ungodly difficult.

I can’t keep you from making the mistakes I’ve made, I can only show you how those mistakes affected me and what it took to overcome them.

I will do all I can to protect you from the things that can hurt you, not because I believe you’ll never be hurt but because I want you to know that you’ll be okay when and if you get hurt.

I am a good Dad, I am also a flawed Dad. I am not the man your Opa was and for that, I apologize. But I am a much better man now than I used to be.

Every day, I am grateful that I have you two to practice getting better with.

With love…

There’s a story I’ve told myself for most of my life and it’s a story that has been validated from many failed attempts to put things together or fix items in general.

The story is: I’m just not handy.

From common household scenarios that pop up to random bits of furniture which need to be assembled, my track record of successfully putting things together or repairing what’s broken is abysmal.

My father, by comparison, was very handy. When I needed to put together all of the equipment for RevFit back in 2009, my father was by my side, helping me assemble pieces that I just couldn’t conceptualize working with.

Of course, I could blame shitty instructions, and perhaps I would have been right, but there was my Dad, being all methodical and patient and putting together items that I had just stared at for hours on end.

However, a few years ago, something changed.

When it came time to put together a bookshelf, I did what any reasonable human being should do.

I opened up the instructions, I laid all of the required parts out, I took my time, and lo and behold, I put something together…all by myself.

This probably sounds silly to you.

When I put together that bookshelf, it wasn’t that everything went perfectly. It didn’t.

I made mistakes. I had to backtrack a few times, unscrew parts that were not put together appropriately, reassemble things in their right place, and trudge forward again.

A far more competent person could have done the job faster.

But I was not competent, merely driven to accomplish what I set out to do: Build the stupid bookshelf.

And a small bulb went off, that maybe, just maybe, I was marginally more handy than I thought.

Since then, I’ve put together many more bookshelves, many more pieces of equipment at my studio, and, I have actually repaired some appliances in my home (Thank you, YouTube).

I won’t go into detail about the things I tried to repair that were less successful (Buh-bye, Mr. Oven and See you later, Ms. Dishwasher).

Most recently, my wife let me know that our bathtub wasn’t draining and, rather than default to calling a plumber, my kneejerk reaction was: Well, maybe I’ll take a look when I get home and see if I can do it.

Sure enough, I took apart what appeared to be faulty, went to the hardware store, got some assistance to make sure I had the right part, came home and I’ll be damned if I didn’t sort it out (with careful supervision by Drill Sergeant Sebastian).

And now the joke in my home is that I am The Handiest Man Alive.

Please read the sarcasm.

And also, please note, this is a story of confidence, not a reminder of failure.

I hope you see where I’m going with this.

When we try to improve our health, via fat loss, getting stronger, or making better dietary choices, it’s easy to screw up along the way. Each “screw up” can replay a tape in our minds that maybe we’re not competent of achieving the task we set for ourselves.

We forget that mistakes leave clues and if we pay attention, we can fix them. As in, very few choices we make are permanent. Nearly every “problem” can be solved.

However, confidence is huge.

As the adage goes (attributed to Henry Ford): Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right.

If you believe you won’t succeed at something, you’re already setting a foundation for failure. It doesn’t mean you will fail, it means you’ve raised the potential.

You’re planting a seed that doesn’t foster optimism or success.

I hold no illusions that I will fix everything that breaks in my home. I also hold no illusions that anything I elect to put together will be done in record time.

There will be certain things I have to outsource to others and I’m okay with that.

The lesson I taught myself (and it took me a long time to learn it) is that, if I take my time and follow the instructions, I’m capable of a lot more than I ever gave myself credit for.

Take these quick lessons from my journey into handiness (LOL) and apply them to your journey.

–Be patient.

–Follow the rules.

–Make sure you have the tools to do the job.

–Expect mistakes.

–Ask for help if you need it. (Don’t stay stuck).

How are you prioritizing all you have on your plate? I give you my take in this week’s episode as well as an update on the future of Revolutionary You. 

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