(The following article contains triggering subject matter)
If you’re new to this page, some of what you’ll read may be new to you.
If you’re a long time reader (thank you), some of these stories you’ll know bits and pieces of.
My past tells a story.
I had great parents, generally a very good upbringing, a good education, clothes on my back, food on the table and friends to play with wherever we lived.
I was also sexually abused, in and out of hospitals for attempted/threatened suicide and addicted to drugs. When I could no longer afford my drug habit, I resorted to dealing them to keep a supply on hand.
I’ve shared greater details about those parts of my life elsewhere on this site but today, I’ll just glance over them.
Those things happened.
I can’t change them.
They will forever be a part of me.
Through therapy, literally years (on and off) of therapy, I had to process those parts of my past. As the adage goes: Hurt people hurt people.
And that’s how it played out in my life too.
Until I learned to heal, I hurt a lot of people along the way.
Somewhere on that path, sometime after getting clean (which happened in 2006), I knew I wanted to help others. That path become one paved with fitness and nutrition.
So, when I started RevFit in 2009, that was my canvas wiped clean (at least for a time).
I still had more healing to do, more therapy to do, more WORK to do.
My past, despite my best efforts, was still in control.
It took the work of a great therapist, more trauma in my own life, and a very patient family to help me through it.
And I DID get through it.
Your past can teach you a lot.
It can inform the great things you do for yourself and others.
It can also be the crutch, the anchor, and the reason you can’t seem to move forward.
It would be easy to just lay down and play victim.
Poor me.
But it isn’t poor me. I am a survivor and I didn’t succeed by myself.
I had support.
In the first module of my 8-week online group coaching program, Fat Loss Simplified, we talk about “mindset”. I share some of my past in that module. I share it because I’ve found that many of the people who come to work with me have a past they struggle to escape.
They let the wrong parts define them.
Once upon a time, I turned to drugs to cope with life.
Many of the people who work with me turn to food to cope with life.
The greatest distinction is that we don’t need drugs to survive (at least not the kind I was using) but we do need food.
So, when I crafted this program, it was to take a slightly different look at why something as deceivingly simple as “eat less, move more” can become such a terribly difficult thing to adhere to.
And I come right out of the gates not talking about calories, but talking about what’s happening between our ears.
It’s a module filled with a lot of questions because the hope is that the members who’ve enrolled will start doing some better digging.
Rather than asking: Which diet should I try next? members will be able to step back and acknowledge: So, that’s why that tool didn’t work for me.
And much of it comes from looking into the past.
It’s not easy work. It’s necessary work.
And it’s necessary whether someone joins to lose a stubborn five pounds or one hundred and five pounds.
Hopefully, your past isn’t as checkered as mine. But if it is, you won’t be judged, you’ll be embraced,
While the details of each person’s story remain private and confidential, everyone who’s participated in this group has a different story and we honor that story.
If you’d like to join, feel free to comment on this article or email me at: jason@revfittherapy.com
Promotional pricing ends March 31 and the group begins officially the first week of April. That promotional rate is $139/month for two months.
I know I’ve said this before but I need to say it again:
Fat loss isn’t easy.
Some folks can put their blinders on, make a couple of changes to their diet and weight just dribbles off their frame.
For everyone else, it’s a slog.
It’s not just a daily slog, it’s a several times a day crawl through every morsel you put (and don’t put) in your mouth.
If you’re among the privileged who can afford a coach to help you navigate the minefield, it’s challenging enough to follow the guidance they provide (assuming it’s accurate and practical enough to follow).
One of the first hurdles you’re likely to encounter is the one related to patience. Everyone wants fat loss NOW and every uncomfortable step you take towards getting the scale to roll down “should” be all that it takes to get that instant gratification.
But that’s not exactly how fat loss works.
Fat loss is a game of understanding estimates (like how much you actually burn in a day versus how much you consume), it’s a game of consistency (and not confusing it with perfection) and it’s a game of reminding yourself that maybe, just maybe, your individual path is going to take a hell of a lot longer than you’d like it to.
Once you hunker down and accept those facts there’s another little issue you’re going to run into: other people’s opinions.
You see, for something that we do several times a day like, eating, you’d think we’d all be professionals at it. The reality is, we (as a whole) struggle to know how to appropriately feed ourselves and that statement alone is why it’s damn difficult to sort out what and how someone else should be eating. This is assuming you don’t coach nutrition for a living…
I have a client (let’s call her Julie) and Julie has been seeing really nice results with her fat loss efforts. It has not been fast fat loss, but it’s been a near methodical drip down since January. Julie struggles enough with her own self-doubt and wondering if she’s doing enough of the right things and that maybe she needs to be doing “more of this or more of that.” The answer is: probably not.
Unfortunately, Julie is inundated with feedback from her inner circle of family and friends who mean well but they inject their own opinions into how she eats. In addition, Julie, like anyone else, knows someone who is losing weight faster than she is. This keeps that self-doubt pinball bouncing in all the wrong places.
When Julie isn’t letting the external feedback get to her, she’s able to objectively step back and assess what’s happening: she isn’t crash dieting, she’s not on a juice cleanse, she’s not murdering herself on the treadmill. She IS keeping her step count high, focusing on types of and quantities of food that agrees with her digestive system, is patient when her period comes each month (since that’s not the best time to step on the scale) and she’s prioritizing strength training.
Ultimately, when she looks back over her data over the last three months, the numbers tell the tale. And the numbers, while nuanced, show a trend and the trend is where the success lies. I credit her for trusting the work we’re doing together and following the plan.
If you’re tired of struggling through fat loss, the doors are reopening on the first week of April for the next intake of Fat Loss Simplified, my 8-week online group coaching program. It’s not a contest and it’s not a challenge. It’s a supportive toolbox with personalized feedback and a wealth of information to make fat loss less of a slog for you and a place where you can make the pieces fit specifically for you.
If you’re interested, drop a comment on this article or you can email me directly at: jason@revfittherapy.com
I’ve been fascinated with tech in some capacity since I was a kid and I’d love to tell you that I have enough intuitive sense to be an early adopter to advancements in technology but that would be untrue.
I tend to be a slow adopter and some things take a while before they click at all.
Take, for example, ChatGPT.
If I wanted to, I could use this resource to help me craft blog posts or to create content for social media and I’m sure it would be of assistance if I needed to brainstorm a bit.
However, I tend to be something of a purist in many ways and I value having “my own voice” when it comes to the content I put out into the world. That may be a good or a bad thing but it does give me the space to put my most unique self forward as opposed to something more “artificial.”
I was having a conversation with our Coach David, here at the studio not long ago and he had asked if I had ever used ChatGPT to write a training program.
I had not.
David, having his own sense of curiosity, decided to have a strength training program written out using the A.I. software.
What we found was that the program, while admirable, seemed to have a lot of gaps.
Imagine opening up a fitness magazine you find on the shelf and deciding that since the fitness model in the magazine looks good, that we should try the same workout for ourselves.
I hope you can appreciate how this could be problematic.
I asked ChatGPT to design a 3x/week strength training program for me. Here’s what it gave me:
Day 1: Full Body
Squats – 3 sets of 8-10 reps Bench Press – 3 sets of 8-10 reps Bent Over Rows – 3 sets of 8-10 reps Overhead Press – 3 sets of 8-10 reps Deadlifts – 3 sets of 5 reps
Day 2: Lower Body Focus
Deadlifts – 3 sets of 5 reps Romanian Deadlifts – 3 sets of 8-10 reps Lunges – 3 sets of 10 reps per leg Leg Press – 3 sets of 8-10 reps Calf Raises – 3 sets of 12-15 reps
Day 3: Upper Body Focus
Pull-Ups/Assisted Pull-Ups – 3 sets of 6-8 reps Barbell or Dumbbell Rows – 3 sets of 8-10 reps Incline Bench Press – 3 sets of 8-10 reps Dumbbell Shoulder Press – 3 sets of 8-10 reps Barbell or Dumbbell Bicep Curls – 3 sets of 10-12 reps
Now, is there anything “wrong” with this workout? No.
The exercises are appropriate as are the rep and set schemes. By all acccounts, it’s a perfectly reasonable place to start assuming you can perform all of these exercises in a safe manner.
However, I have some areas of vulnerability that I would need to work around. So, I fed ChatGPT some more information and said that I needed a modification based on a lower back injury and an injured left shoulder.
Here’s the modification:
Day 1: Lower Body (Lower Back-Friendly)
Bodyweight Squats or Box Squats – 3 sets of 8-10 reps Leg Press – 3 sets of 8-10 reps Romanian Deadlifts – 3 sets of 8-10 reps Seated Leg Curls – 3 sets of 10-12 reps Calf Raises – 3 sets of 12-15 reps
Day 2: Upper Body (Shoulder-Friendly)
Seated Dumbbell Shoulder Press – 3 sets of 8-10 reps Lat Pulldowns with a neutral grip – 3 sets of 8-10 reps Chest Supported Rows – 3 sets of 8-10 reps Incline Bench Press with a neutral grip or using dumbbells – 3 sets of 8-10 reps Face Pulls with resistance bands or cable machine – 3 sets of 12-15 reps
Day 3: Full Body (Low-Impact)
Goblet Squats – 3 sets of 8-10 reps Dumbbell Chest Press on an incline bench or flat bench – 3 sets of 8-10 reps Single-Leg Romanian Deadlifts – 3 sets of 8-10 reps per leg Dumbbell Pullovers – 3 sets of 10-12 reps Planks – 3 sets, hold for 30-60 seconds each
Of note, I know that, based on my current issues with my shoulder I won’t be able to do any pressing movements so I had to feed ChatGPT some more information so that I could have a more effective workout. I told the software as much and, here is a new plan based on my shoulder concerns:
Day 1: Lower Body (Lower Back-Friendly)
Bodyweight Squats or Box Squats – 3 sets of 8-10 reps Leg Press – 3 sets of 8-10 reps Romanian Deadlifts – 3 sets of 8-10 reps Seated Leg Curls – 3 sets of 10-12 reps Calf Raises – 3 sets of 12-15 reps
Day 2: Upper Body (Shoulder-Friendly)
Lat Pulldowns with a neutral grip – 3 sets of 8-10 reps Chest Supported Rows – 3 sets of 8-10 reps Seated Cable Rows – 3 sets of 8-10 reps Face Pulls with resistance bands or cable machine – 3 sets of 12-15 reps Bicep Curls with dumbbells or cables – 3 sets of 10-12 reps
Day 3: Full Body (Low-Impact)
Goblet Squats – 3 sets of 8-10 reps Single-Leg Romanian Deadlifts – 3 sets of 8-10 reps per leg Dumbbell Pullovers – 3 sets of 10-12 reps Lateral Raises with dumbbells or resistance bands – 3 sets of 12-15 reps Planks – 3 sets, hold for 30-60 seconds each
I’m getting closer to something that I believe will work. That being said, I’m also aware that there are still a couple of exercises that have a greater likelihood of bothering my lower back and the one that definitely sticks out to me is the Romanian Deadlift. I told ChatGPT that I tweaked my back doing this exercise and it gave me a new plan:
Day 1: Lower Body (Back-Friendly)
Bodyweight Squats or Box Squats – 3 sets of 8-10 reps Leg Press – 3 sets of 8-10 reps Machine Leg Curls – 3 sets of 10-12 reps Calf Raises – 3 sets of 12-15 reps Seated Calf Raises – 3 sets of 12-15 reps
Day 2: Upper Body (Shoulder-Friendly)
Lat Pulldowns with a neutral grip – 3 sets of 8-10 reps Chest Supported Rows – 3 sets of 8-10 reps Seated Cable Rows – 3 sets of 8-10 reps Face Pulls with resistance bands or cable machine – 3 sets of 12-15 reps Bicep Curls with dumbbells or cables – 3 sets of 10-12 reps
Day 3: Full Body (Low-Impact)
Leg Press – 3 sets of 8-10 reps Hamstring Curls on a machine – 3 sets of 10-12 reps Lateral Raises with dumbbells or resistance bands – 3 sets of 12-15 reps Bicep Curls with dumbbells or cables – 3 sets of 10-12 reps Tricep Pushdowns with cable machine or resistance bands – 3 sets of 10-12 reps
So, after several adjustments, I believe I’ve found a routine that will give me options for strength training with the least amount of risk for my areas that are vulnerable to injury on my body.
Now, what should YOU do about your training?
Well, that depends.
If you need a plan and you don’t know where to start and you don’t want to spend money on a program, I’d say ChatGPT “might” be worth playing with.
Remember that the software will work with what you give it, so the more information it has, the more it can modify based on your needs.
I’m also in an advantageous position because I not only know how to do all of the exercises that the software gave me, but I know enough about my body to know which exercises will be safer than others.
Here are some points to consider against the software:
-If you don’t know how to perform the exercises, you can look up videos on YouTube or hire a coach.
-If you get injured, a coach can help you modify in real time so that you are less likely to lose gym time because you tweaked an area of the body.
-Depending on the type of person you are, some people are self-starters. They don’t need “guidance” they just need a plan. Others not only need the guidance and a plan but they thrive on the community aspect of a gym setting.
-For me, I’ve written my own strength training programs, I’ve followed programs out of magazines, websites and books and I’ve also had other coaches write programs for me. I will tell you, without question, my best results have come when other coaches handle my programs.
I personally don’t see myself using ChatGPT for strength training programs. That isn’t because the information isn’t valuable. Perhaps it is. I like knowing a real, live person is putting thought and care into the routines I do. It’s the same reason I like going to a checkout station at a store that has a real, live person behind the register.
Technology is a powerful, wonderful, amazing thing.
Most of the people I work with like to have something occasionally sweet in their diet. That might mean a donut in the morning, a handful of candy, or maybe some ice cream after dinner.
None of those options, in and of themselves, is particularly wrong to do.
However, we want to step back and look at the diet as a whole and see if sugar is as big of a problem as some might make it out to be.
Let’s look at two hypothetical clients:
“Ashley” wants to lose fat and has a mostly nutritious diet. She eats lean proteins, eats a salad most every day for lunch and a relatively balanced dinner. However, her “guilty pleasure” is a large caffeinated drink in the morning that has a considerable amount of cream and sweeteners in it. This is her biggest sweet splurge on any given day.
“Sarah” wants to lose fat as well and she eats a diet with more highly processed food options. She drinks a Diet Coke every morning for her caffeine kick (which has no calories) but she opts for a blueberry scone at her favorite bakery. After lunch, which is usually a fast food sandwich, she grabs a handful of Hershey kisses from a container on her desk. She has a balanced dinner with her family each night and gravitates towards a small cup (sometimes a bowl) of ice cream afterwards.
Both of these clients take in messages from friends and social media that they need to reduce the sugar in their diets for better health outcomes and to help with fat loss.
In Ashley’s case, the change could be relatively simple. Since the biggest area of opportunity is her morning drink, she could find ways to reduce the amount of sugar that’s in it, she could opt for a smaller size or she could have the drink less frequently throughout the course of a given week. Remember, this is about reduction, not elimination.
In Sarah’s case, we don’t want to remove all pleasure from her diet but the sweets are more of an area for improvement than in Ashley’s diet. She could select one sweet treat per day that she feels drawn towards and let that be her luxury for the day. Rather than having something sweet at or around every main meal, she can pick one thing that she’s truly craving, savor and enjoy it and save something else for another day. This way, we’re not removing every sweet option, just some of them, and she still has something to look forward to. She’s also far less likely to resent the changes she’s looking to make because she’s making the conscious effort to change something without complete deprivation.
I don’t want to fall down the rabbit hole of “sugar addiction” because I don’t think it’s a helpful conversation to have. Where I could give some credit is to people who notice that every day they have sugary treats AND every day they crave sugary treats. An experiment worth looking into is to break the pattern of daily sweets and see if, after a few days, some of those cravings subside.
Of note, some women do tend to crave sweet foods as they are nearing or are on their periods.
What you’ll hopefully notice is that I’m not going to demonize any food selection. If you want something sweet, have it. If you think that you’re going overboard, try and find ways to minimize what’s happening by taking a moment to ask yourself two questions: 1) What do I really need right now? 2) What’s the least amount that will satisfy my craving?
We have a close friend of the family who has known me for my entire life.
His name is Larry.
Larry was recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and he was eligible for a surgery called the Whipple procedure to remove the area of the pancreas where the cancer was located.
While the side effects from the surgery have been not as positive as any of us had hoped, Larry remains cancer free but has been dealing with other issues which have affected his ability to eat and enjoy food like he used to.
These complications have led to a dramatic drop in weight and he’s now using the assistance of a feeding tube to help give his body the nutrients he needs to put weight back on his frame. The doctors are hopeful that if Larry can get back to a certain weight, they can remove the feeding tube.
He’s always been a tremendously positive person and to see him in this shape is difficult.
Nevertheless, he is a devout believer that with continued prayers, God will not give him more than he (and his family) can handle.
We were talking this past weekend and he made the comment that he often gets cravings for certain foods. By his admission, he can have anything he desires but there was a statement that he made that stuck with me:
I get these cravings for certain foods so I make sure that I have them but often, I just need a couple of bites and then I’m happy.
It’s a simple statement and one that, as a nutrition coach, I find myself sharing with clients a lot.
-If you want that treat, have it and share it with others.
-Have anything you like but be willing to leave some behind.
-No food is off limits but just ask yourself what amount will satisfy you.
I wouldn’t wish Larry’s scenario on anyone. Having lost my father to bone marrow cancer in 2011, it’s a horrible disease no matter how it manifests in the body.
But when he made the comment about those couple of bites, it just had a different effect on me than when I normally share the advice with others.
There are a myriad of ways to approach the way we eat. Food gives us life, it gives us energy, it gives us joy and it is a necessity. Certainly for Larry, he needs every bit of food that his body can tolerate.
You’ll hear a lot about mindfulness with nutrition and in this way, Larry’s sentiments count: Give your body what it needs because deprivation probably won’t serve you well.
As we were wrapping up the call, Larry shared another thought that I’ll leave you with:
I’ve learned through this whole ordeal that you basically have two choices, you can be bitter or you can be better and just because you’re bitter, doesn’t mean it’s better for you.
Last week, I attended a wellness event locally and I had the chance to meet some people in the community that I hadn’t previously known.
Most of the people attending the event were there for fat loss and each person had their own unique challenges that they shared with others.
I realized that many of the circumstances I heard about were simply glimpses into the lives of those who are struggling to improve their health in ways that make sense to them.
It’s a slightly different post than normal but I wanted to share some of what I heard at that event and my quick take on what each person could do to get a little bit closer to where they want to be. The names have been changed.
Sarah said she was attending because she wanted to lose weight. If I had to estimate, Sarah’s in her 60s. She said that she sits most of the day and doesn’t feel like she has a lot of motivation. By her admission, Sarah said she’s been told she doesn’t have a very good attitude about things and (her words): “I’m kind of a negative person.”
Sarah, I’d love to see you get some steps in. You don’t have to do anything too taxing. Just make a conscious effort to improve your step count and (if possible) get outside to do it. I think being outside would be good for you, even if you have to bundle up to navigate the cold weather. When you’re ready to tackle more than just steps, you can. But start small, and focus on increasing that daily step count. It could do wonders not only for your sedentary life but for your mental health as well.
Joel said he was attending because he is recently widowed. He’s lost his sense of identity since his wife passed and now it’s just him, alone at home with his dog. I would estimate Joel is in his 60s or 70s.
Joel, I think we need to get you in some type of community. Perhaps one with other widows so that you have a community of people who understand and can relate to your grieving process. But, aside from that, I think you may need to join some type of gym. It can be large or small but make sure it has enough of the amenities that you feel drawn to: cardio equipment, maybe a pool, a weight room, classes, etc. You need to be around other people and not have so much time, alone with your thoughts. Get your body moving, find a “tribe” of people you can connect with and start writing this next chapter of your life. It won’t bring your wife back but it will help you forge a new identity as you adjust.
Ruth remarked that she’s been called an “overexerciser”. She does a class based exercise program often 2x/day and walks with her husband several times a week. Recently, her husband has been diagnosed with a neurological condition which will dramatically change how their lives play out now that they are at retirement age. I believe Ruth is in her 60s.
Ruth, I love that you have no fear of exercise. However, I’d really like to see you do something that incorporates strength as a focus. If you could swap out 2 days per week of your two-a-days in the group exercise class for something that is strength focused (as opposed to cardio focused), I think it would be really beneficial for you. As your husband’s health continues to decline, you’ll appreciate and need that physical strength to help him. It will change the way you view your body, and you’ll never regret it.
Janice said she was looking for fat loss but felt like she had too much conflicting information coming in and didn’t know where to start: which diet is best, which way to train that helps with fat loss the most, and does she really have to give up chocolate?
Janice, you’re not alone. There is an overabundance of information out there and there is no sign of it slowing down. One person says: eat more protein, another says: protein is overhyped. One person says: do HIIT classes for fat loss and another person says: go for a run. My advice: start simply. Take your diet “as-is” and see where you can cut back slightly. You don’t have to go overboard. You can leave a little bit behind on your plate or you can opt to not have that snack. Just let those decisions compound over time. As for exercise, do what feels right to your body without overthinking “How many calories does this burn”? Exercise for your mental and physical health NOT because it burns a boatload of calories. As for chocolate: have it and enjoy it. Don’t deprive yourself of it but find a kind that you truly love and see if you can make it a part of your day.
When Marissa and I got married in October of 2014, we asked for dishes in our wedding registry as many couples do.
As we settled into our marriage, those dishes became the centerpiece of each of our meals: the bowls, the large dinner plates, the smaller plates and the coffee cups were present each day.
Like any marriage or long-term relationship, you go through highs and lows together. Life comes at often a frightening and unpredictable pace and you always have to ask yourself when you’re making time for one another in between work and family demands.
Then, of course, Sebastian was born roughly three years after our wedding and having a child in the mix adds another degree of joy and complexity to the family dynamics.
When the cracks started to form in our marriage, cracks were forming elsewhere too: in our dishes.
Cups that we expected to last for decades of our lives were breaking.
Dishes that we had hoped to dine on until old age were cracking down the middle.
Next thing you know, we’re down to fractions of what we had asked for when we got married, an eerie parallel to what was happening in our marriage as well.
After we got our relationship back in order, we were taking inventory of what was left of those dishes. I made the comment that it was odd how nearly every dish had been discarded and little was left, much like our marriage had once been reduced to before we sorted it all out.
Without missing a beat, Marissa said: But our china is intact, which means the bones are still good.
She was right.
No matter where you are, no matter who you are and who you’re with, you have a foundation.
You can make it a strong one or an unstable one.
If you want the foundation to last, you build it strong, structurally sound, so that it can withstand the elements around it.
Maybe those dishes we had picked out over ten years ago were part of a defective line. Maybe they all had to be recalled or discontinued because they weren’t durable enough.
If you want something to last, from your health, to the love you build with others, you make it durable, you make it withstand pressure.
And if you want to be proud of it, make sure the bones are good.
1-Think about places you sit in your home which trigger the desire to eat/snack. For me, one of the worst things to do is stay in the kitchen after I’ve eaten a meal. The longer I stay in the kitchen, the more I tend to gravitate to the fridge, the counter and the pantry looking for something else. Not because I’m hungry but because I need a better distraction and I need a change of scenery. One of my former clients found that one particular sitting area in their living room triggered the desire to eat. They changed where they sat and the trigger went away.
2-Exercise your “No” muscle. “No, thank you, I’m full.”, “No, thank you, I’ve had enough.”, “No, I’m sorry, I can’t make that event.”, “No, thank you, no more drinks for me.”, “I appreciate it but “No”, my stomach doesn’t feel right when I eat that.”, “No, I’m sorry, my schedule is too chaotic right now.”
3-Conversely, flex your “Yes” muscle. “Yes, I’ll take more vegetables.”, “Yes, I’d love to go for a walk.”, “Yes, I need to consider all of the things I’m grateful for.”, “Yes, I’d love to learn a new skill/hobby.”, “Yes, I’d like to book that therapy/self-care appointment.”
4-Comparing your caloric needs against someone else is (almost) pointless for the same reason as comparing your salary against someone else. Different people, different needs, different histories, different responses to stress, different life demands, etc. Your needs are your needs and they may not be fair but they’re still valid.
5-Feel your feelings. If you’ve used food to avoid your feelings, that may have been a useful and necessary tool in the past but at a certain point, you’ll need to acknowledge your feelings (especially the uncomfortable ones) and allow them to exist without using food/alcohol to wish them away.
6-Yes, your spouse/significant other loves you. Yes, they would do anything in the world for you. Yes, they have a list of great attributes. No, they may not be a great support for your fat loss goals. You can either help them understand your triggers and vulnerabilities to help them improve their support or you can hire someone to help you…or likely both.
7-Fat loss plateaus are to be expected but don’t make the mistake of assuming that because your diet is “mostly” healthy that it’s calorically appropriate for fat loss. You’re either eating/training to achieve an energy deficit or you’re not. That’s not a judgment. You can eat the most nutrient rich diet on the planet and too much will still be too much.
8-Have a strategy/philosophy for how you eat when life gets unpredictable. Is it a protein-centric choice? Can you moderate the amounts? How will that choice make you feel after you eat it? What is the most beneficial way to approach that meal/those food options?
9-If you struggle with binge eating, heal that first before you tackle fat loss. Yes, some degree of fat loss may occur when you reduce the frequency and size of your binges but the binge behaviors need to be the first priority of change.
10-Some people “can” outrun the fork, however, if you’re not going to commit to training more than you currently do and the scale isn’t moving, then you either have to dial down the intake, or dial down the intensity of training to reduce your hunger signals. Chronically punishing yourself for your food choices through training can be a sign of exercise bulimia.
11-Be kind to yourself. Feeling shame over your appearance or guilt over how you eat may get you off the couch to make a change but at a certain point, you’re going to have to respect that magnificent and amazing body of yours for what it’s capable of and stop hating it to the finish line.
12-If you are not psychologically in position to lose fat, don’t despair. A weight neutral approach to your health, still counts. Just start moving and get consistent with your movement practice. When the time is right, you can focus on fat loss. You may only need to lose a fraction of your current weight to improve internal markers. Stay current on your comprehensive blood work to see what’s happening beyond the number on the scale. A drop of 5-10% of your current weight may be all that you need to see improvements in bloodwork.
I had been toying with the idea of writing this article for a few days and, I just recorded a podcast with my friend and fellow coach, Dave Whitley, on his show Advancing Man Podcast. It seemed like now was the time to write it.
I don’t really think about the term “masculinity” very much. I wasn’t raised in a home where I was encouraged to be this hyper-realized version of a man. I was raised by a mother and a father who were kind and compassionate, not afraid to be sensitive or vulnerable, who showed love openly to each other and to me and there was never a definition of: a man does THIS or a man does THAT.
I also have to acknowledge a few other things because they may play into my interpretation of “manhood” as I’ve come to understand it. I’m a white, cisgender male, raised in a mostly middle-class family in mostly middle-class neighborhoods. I understand that with those terms has come some degree of privilege that I have not always been openly aware of, yet may exist all the same.
I have two sons, one who just turned 16 and is on the autism spectrum and one who is 6 and is not on the spectrum. Should either of my sons ask me: Dad, what does it mean to be a man? I have no clear answer to give them because my definition would probably fall into traits that men or women could equally exhibit.
In my estimation:
A man should be honest, and should have integrity, and where a man is not honest or does not have integrity, he should strive to improve both.
A man has been a son to someone and he should be a caring, considerate, compassionate and thoughtful son. This man, may or may not have had kind and loving parents to model those attributes, and if he did not, he has an obligation to learn those attributes so that he can be a better partner, and, if the opportunity present itself, a better father.
A man should be accepting that he not succeed in every area of his life, as no man can be perfect. Should he recognize that he has faults, he should learn from others how to improve his areas of weakness and vulnerability, not with the aim of being perfect, but with the aim of becoming better.
A man should have the ability to improve his fitness: his physical fitness for his own personal strength, his mental and emotional fitness so that he can treat himself and others with respect and kindness, and his financial fitness so that he can provide (or contribute in providing) for those he loves and supports.
A man should learn to love and be loved. He should know how to be a friend, how to be a caretaker, and how to be a confidant.
A man should be trusted.
If a man falls short in any area of his life, he should have access to people and resources who can help him climb the next rung up. No man should ever be in a position where he is forced to stay down. A man should have space to fail, and fail by fantastic measure so that he understands the value, sacrifice and effort it takes to be and become better.
A man should know how to cry.
A man should learn how to heal.
Should a man have the opportunity and gift of being a father, that man should not only embody all of these attributes but strive to teach them. He’s allowed to make mistakes, even in front of his children, as long as he teaches and shows his children that they are allowed to make mistakes too, with the knowledge that mistakes can be fixed.
A man should be able to say: I was wrong. I’ll do better.
A man should be able to say: I’m sorry. That was my fault. I can change that.
If I come back to this at a later date, I may have more to add. Time will teach me things and give me perspectives that could improve the message.
I don’t know what it’s like to live as a gay man or a transgender man but I believe (and am open to being corrected) that many of these attributes apply to them as well.
I don’t know what it means to be a man of a different color and any societal pressures those men may live with. I only have my experience, in my own shoes, and respect for those who live differently.
I’ve learned how to be a better man through my wife, through therapy, through fatherhood and through coaching. I am still the epitome of a work in progress.
If my sons ask me: Dad, what does it mean to be a man? I think it means all of these things (and likely more).
I’ll tell them I’m mostly a good man, who has done mostly good things but there have been periods of my life where I wasn’t a good man and I didn’t do good things. Maybe they’ll get more detail than that or maybe they’ll accept my words and know that I can just be their father and they’ll love and respect me all the same.
I’ll have to be fair and show them a picture of my father, because he was the best at all of it: he was a great man, he was a great father, I believe he was a great brother and a great son.
But truthfully, my mother taught me plenty about being a man, because she married the one she loved the most, and if I know anything at all, he was a great husband, so anything I know about being a man that should be passed on to my sons, I learned it from both of them.
And I’d like to thank my parents for giving me the space to fail when I failed, because I learned a lot from that too.
Hours before he left this world, my Dad whispered to me: You’re my guy.
You’ll be turning sixteen this week and I am still in awe that I have a sixteen year old child.
I want to share a story with you, one that you may never come to understand.
Your teen years have been, in many ways, as unpredictable as I had always heard they would be.
Your voice is much deeper, you’re continuing to grow in height, and you still love to sing (but mostly in the car), go to the movies and collect countless toys and Legos.
With age has come a certain degree of anxiety, something that your mother and I are learning to accept and respect because, like any parents, all we want is for you to be healthy and happy.
Late last year, you were part of a photo shoot with your stepmom, Marissa, your stepbrother, Sebastian, and myself.
We had a wonderful photographer, Allison Ewing, who understood the dynamics of our family and could not have been better or more considerate in taking pictures of all of us: some with all four, some solo, and other combinations of poses as well. We wanted a variety of pictures and she gave us exactly what we asked for.
When we received the photos, we could not have been happier. We found so many incredible shots, many of which we would share with friends and family and have reprinted and enlarged so that they could be in our home and others.
You looked so handsome in those pictures and I blew up a couple of your solo shots to give to your mother because I believed she would appreciate them (and she did).
Because we were so pleased with how so many photos came out, we shared several on social media so that others could enjoy them as well. I went to post some on Instagram and had a smaller amount I could upload into one post, so I very quickly selected a combination of shots to meet the requirement and that was cross-posted onto my business page on Facebook.
Among the very kind words and engagements of our friends, someone who saw my business page made a comment that continues to stick with me.
“She” (not sure if this was a real person or an internet troll) saw that very small collection of photos and assumed that because you were not represented in all of them that we were purposefully excluding you from our family. “She” implied that we should be ashamed as parents for not having you in all of the photos.
Initially, I read the post and was taken aback. I don’t know who the person was and I may never know. I deleted the comment and then, took it one step further, and deleted the entire post.
Social media is a strange place to “live”.
I’ve elected to be a very active participant on social media and have had little to no reservation in posting pictures of my sons or my wife.
Of course, it is the internet, and everyone has the ability to comment as they please.
But what this person doesn’t know is that you are every bit a part of our lives as you would like to be. It’s true that we may see you less than we would like but I’ve never been the type of parent to force you into places you were uncomfortable being.
I understand that, along with autism, your anxiety is a very real thing and I would rather provide an atmosphere and environment where you know you are loved and welcome and that our door always remains open to you.
Jackson, you are, and have always been surrounded by love. Your mother and I have worked hard, in our own ways, to make sure of that.
That some random stranger could make a hurtful comment on social media about you is something I have trouble understanding.
Some might say: Well, maybe you shouldn’t post your private life on social media.
They might be right.
But I am proud of my sons and I am proud to be a father and I want the world to see you both grow and mature and evolve into young men and adults who will shine a light for others to see.
I know you may never read this.
I know you may never understand this.
But I love you dearly, Jackson. For you, are the boy who changed my world. And I, am a better man because of you.
As we were walking from one area to another on our photo shoot, the wind was starting to pick up and none of us had coats on. You were walking next to me and I asked: Are you cold, buddy? You said: It’s so cold and you cuddled up next to me. I didn’t know it then, but Allison snapped that scene from behind.
When I saw that particular photo in the gallery, my eyes started to well up with tears. I have a lot of pictures of you that I love, but maybe this one hits harder than most.
Near or far, I will always be by your side, my sweet sixteen.
Jason Leenaarts 